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2017 01 06 Random Thoughts on The Outdoors

I was watching a Rick Steves' travel video last night, and it happened to be on the Camino de Santiago. The walkers talked about the reverence of being out in nature, which is cool. But there was something about the way one of them said it... Then they said something about many people not seeing this living in the city and all.

And I realized in that moment that this person was talking about themselves... That they had never spent any significant kind of time out in nature. That this experience of being out in nature was completely foreign to them. And by extension, there are other people like this too.

This was somehow a realization that struck me deeply. Growing up on the farm, all the camping trips I've been on, nature is just nature to me. I mean, yeah, it's awesome and all (and I mean that in the original definition of awesome), and sacred, but it's also ordinary. For me. But not for them. I just couldn't really conceive of that before that insight. Wow.
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This past election cycle had me spending a lot of time thinking about 'how to show them the error of their ways'. Me and about a zillion other people on both sides of the divide, I'm sure.

One of the more influential things I ran across during the election cycle was a vlog entry by Mike Rowe. He wrote about how he couldn't in good conscience advocate using his celebrity status to exhort others to get out and vote. His reasoning was that voting was a privilege not a duty. That electors (us) were expected to educate themselves on the issues and then vote what they saw to be in the best interest of everybody. That's how this country was designed from the get go. The idea left me very thoughtful.

One of the other things I ran across (in many places) was how folks on the liberal side would often not bother to vote. Another was how conservatives were more likely to vote just out of a sense of duty. Another was how on both sides, too many people didn't understand the issues, and were simply on the bandwagon of their particular media outlets. Also thoughtful making.

I suspect that for some of us (me for sure), we become less likely to vote when we're unsure of the outcome. The story I seem to have inherited from my culture says that liberals are, on the whole, more educated than conservatives. Now I have no idea if this is a causal relationship, but it does seem to me that if we're more educated, that we'd be more likely to see both sides of something, and so more likely to be unsure.

Don't get me wrong, the nutjobs on the left are just as bad as the nutjobs on the right, for any random definition of nutjob. Educated or not. More education won't completely fix that.

But whether there's a causal relationship or not, it's starting to seem to me that having all the electors more educated might be a thing. That what may be in the long term highest good would be for everybody to have their highest possible level of education provided by the state.

Now, I must admit, I come to this position from a place of being rather anti-formal education. I came to it via a few significant influences.

First, I grew up in a privileged culture… And in particular, ours was a blue collar household. When the CWA went on strike, my dad stopped going in to work, and instead drove me and my siblings nuts. The message was "just do your work, keep your head down, and everything will be OK".

Second, I saw my dad as successful. Many of my peers seem to have learned to think of success as meaning money. For me, it was about having a happy primary relationship. My folks relationship was not without its problems, but we kids mostly didn't see them. My folks seemed reasonably happy. The message was "this is the ideal I am supposed to strive for".

Third, during some key moment in my life, my dad said I'd never amount to anything without a college education. Now mind you, he didn't have one. And he was successful. And I was probably in a particularly rebellious phase. The message was "Oh yeah? I'll show YOU!"

Fourth, I was ADHD boy. I listened in class, did great on tests, completely forgot about homework. And so got poor grades. I was told I was really smart and could do anything. And pretty much, I seem to be able to figure out whatever you put in front of me eventually.

Related to that, I grew up in a region with a lot of high tech jobs, and at a time when demand for labor outstripped supply. And while I had some collage level classes with microcomputers, everything about what I do today, I taught myself.

The message became "Conventional school doesn't work for me, I can figure out whatever I need to". Which has been mostly true.

But more recently, I have spent the last couple of years watching most of the Crash Course videos, along with a host of other educational YouTube content… And basically started giving myself some start on the same kind of educational overview I would have gotten in school. And this learning has made many small differences in my everyday life. Things I already knew, but now knew in more depth. Things where the understanding of them has changed since I learned them. Things I never would have seen with the limited view of the world I got as a kid. Things I am much more empowered to do something about. Things I now recognize as things that should be questioned, rather than either simply accepted or simply rejected. And even a better idea of how to do that questioning, how to determine if a claim is true.

I still think education needs to be smarter than it was when I was a kid, and I think it's in a process of improvement.

So all of this leads me to believe that universal education to the highest possible level for each person is how we build the best electorate, the best culture. We humans are most powerful when we cooperate. We cooperate best when we understand each other.
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coriander seeds
cayenne pepper
Cumin Seeds
Cardamom Pods
Rose Petals
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I remember...

I remember watching you cry
as I slowly made love
to every inch of you
I asked you why
You said you didn't deserve it
I replied that touching you
was like playing music
Listening to the feelings I brought up
was the joy of listening to the music
That loving you
was as much a gift for me as for you
And we held each other
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2016 09 07
I remember...

I remember when I finally figured out that pragmatism gave me an edge.

I had been told who I should be when I was a kid. Sometimes directly, sometimes very indirectly... In words, in media, everywhere. I learned that I was supposed to be a stable husband, I learned that I was supposed to always be productive, I was supposed to be honest, I was supposed to be smart, thoughtful, giving, strong, creative, i was supposed to be able to sing love songs to my partner, I was supposed to be able to figure out how to fix *anything*...

And I really have been those things sometimes. But it's also the case that the *requirement* to be those things made it harder to see when I wasn't being those. I couldn't easily own that I wasn't living up to those ideals. And the *habit* of hiding from those shortfalls made it hard to change them. If I was upset about not meeting those ideals, then all the jumping up and down which all that upset caused might make me feel like I would make a change, but mostly history wouldn't bear it out.

I learned that change comes from being able to accept where I am. With enough compassion that I can have the mental equilibrium to compassionately notice the failure, rehearse the new behavior, and pat myself on the head for doing the things required to build a new habit.

Being pragmatic, being willing to be connected to what is, made me more powerful to change was is to what I would like it to be.
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I remember…

I remember figuring out that there was a formula that I used when I successfully changed a habit. I don't even remember now what habit I was trying to change. :)

I realized tho that a couple of times in a row, I'd developed new habits like so:

1) Decide what the undesirable behavior is
2) Through introspection, figure out what need the behavior was trying to meet
3) Figure out something else I could do that would meet the need
4) Commit to myself that I'd do that new behavior, including rehearsing it in my head.

This was all well and good, but I kept not doing the new behavior. Sometimes it was because the new behavior didn't actually meet the need (which meant more introspection to identify that fact and to develop another alternative behavior)… But most often, it was because I was trying to learn something new, and I just hadn't habituated it yet. So…

5) Notice, after the fact, with compassion, that I hadn't done the thing.

The first time I did this systematically, it was like two weeks after the event that I realized I hadn't done the new thing.

6) Reward myself with an "attaboy" for noticing the failure.

It wasn't until much later that I realized how crucially important that step was to keep me going.

7) Commit once again to the new behavior, and rehearse it again.

What I noticed was that with each successive miss on performing the new behavior, the interval between the miss and my noticing the miss got shorter and shorter. Until eventually, I was able to notice in real time and make a conscious decision to do the new behavior.

This has been one of the two or three most important skills I've developed.
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2016 08 08
I remember...

I remember the first time I changed a habit deliberately. I was 19 I think, maybe 20. I had just locked my keys in the car a second time in six months. I decided I needed a physical habit, something I did every time I turned off the car. I decided to turn the key to off and remove it in one smooth motion. And as soon as I was out of the seat, I'd slide the key fob into my pocket.

A little while later, in response to the second or third time of leaving the lights on and running down the battery, I added reaching up with the other hand at the same time to make sure the headlight switch was pushed in, into the off position.

These aren't big habits by themselves. They saved me a little stress. I couldn't have known how big a role habits and the changing of habits would play in my life. These were the first deliberate habit changes as such that I remember.

For all the things I need to get better at, this pair of habits has served me very well indeed.


Dec. 7th, 2015 10:42 am
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This was originally noted as being "for beef", but turkey is also amazing with it.

Prepare at least a day before hand: Put ingredients into gallon ziplock bag. Put meat into bag. Seal bag. Slosh and shake until well mixed. Vent all the air from the bag. Put into freezer.

4 tablespoons soy sauce (gluten free)
4 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce (I use Fish Sauce)
2 tablespoons red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons teriyaki sauce (I use coconut aminos)
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 garlic cloves, slightly crushed
1 tablespoon Dijon mustard

And, depending on the shape of the cut(s) of meat, possibly a little water, just enough so there's marinade and/or plastic bag in contact with the entire surface.

3 to 4 hours before serving:

Beef: Put frozen bag into sous vide. Set to 120F. 15 mins before serving, remove from bag. Pat dry and coat lightly with oil. Add salt and pepper to taste. Place onto broiler. Check every 5 mins until golden brown and delicious. Optionally turn over and repeat for other side. Serve. NOTE: Beef that cooked using a sous vide does not need to rest before serving.

Poultry: Put frozen bag into sous vide. Set to 145F. 15 mins before serving, remove from bag. Pat dry and coat lightly with oil. Add salt and pepper to taste. Place onto broiler. Check every 5 mins until golden brown and delicious. Optionally turn over and repeat for other side. NOTE: It's recommended that poultry is cooked to 165F for safety, that is because 165F will kill everything in about 60 seconds. 145F also cooks to a safe temperature, if cooked at that temp for 35+ minutes. There's a curve of time and temperature. As you go up in temp, the time to kill everything is reduced. SOUS VIDE IS A VERY TIME INTENSIVE COOKING PROCESS. COOKING TO 145 IS SAFE WHEN COOKED FOR 3+ HOURS, AND WILL RESULT IN A MUCH MORE MOIST END PRODUCT.
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At the time, I thought I'd drifted away from LJ because everybody else had. In retrospect, I see I was actually drifting away before it became a ghost town. And here's why:

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First, a question: What do YOU remember about Harbin Hot Springs?

I remember the very first time I went to Harbin. No, scratch that. I have been to Harbin so many times I really have no recollection of the "first time". I know that Francesca Gentille took me there. I was still very shy about nudity at the time.

I remember camping in the meadow. I remember walking the trail to the pools. I remember someone having hung glow sticks on string all along the path. I remember watching a photo shoot at the creek at the edge of the meadow. Slender nude women with fairy wings. I remember wondering what was further up the road, but being told that was the residential area and not "open to the public". I remember many years later somebody telling me that was silly and it was fine to walk through there, just be respectful. I remember awe and wonder seeing so many parts of the place for the first time. I remember resenting the vegetarian rules in the kitchen, and always taking my own food prep stuff because of it.

I remember having sex in the warm pool, very, very quietly. I also remember one couple who got very noisy, and security came just as they disappeared from the pool and into the hot pool. I remember when it was allowed to chat very quietly in the warm pool, and I remember how they got so strict about silence eventually. I remember watching how the place grew and changed over time.

I remember Ancient Ways there… I remember Loving More there. I remember World Polyamory Association there. I remember, as a pleasant blur, so many moments there. I remember running the area at Ancient Ways that we coordinated with other parents so the kids could have a place to be, and the parents could take turns watching them.

I remember at Loving More, they created "families" at the beginning. Each morning, I was supposed to socialize with people I didn't know. Me, the introvert. Um, no. Forcing me into socializing is a non-starter for me. But it led me to start creating workshops. The first one was Poly For Introverts. I loved teaching there. Heck, I've loved teaching every chance I've ever had. I remember the conference center and how awesome it was to have warm pools we could actually chat in, like Harbin in the old days.

I remember the RV we owned for a while, and how it slipped it's brakes or something and we went rolling down the hill toward the creek (with us in it), but were stopped by rocks and branches. I remember someone coming to our aid and plugging a small hole that had been created in the gas tank with a bar of soap. I particularly remember the RV, not because of the crash, but because of the awesomeness of having our own complete kitchen.

I remember going back and forth between the hot and cold pools. I remember staying in the hot pool until I could feel my heart beating in my eyes. I remember how doing so seemed to completely kill off any infection I might have been having. A lingering cold or flu suddenly gone the morning after such a soak. I remember one winter, sitting in the warm pool, Dawn told me she was getting close to being ready to get out. So I left before her and went into the hot pool for that long. When I got out, I draped a towel around my shoulders, went and got my sandals, picked up my clothes in a bundle, and got ready to walk back to the meadow. Dawn was all dried off, and bundled up against the cold. I had steam coming off me until I got back to the meadow. Only then had I cooled enough to get dressed. That was such an awesome feeling.

I remember different walks along that path, sitting to watch the sunset, sunrise, the moon, or the moonless night. I remember walking up to the little meditation tea house on the hill above. I remember the mountain lodge and the school office.

I remember the first time I stayed in The Domes, they were sooo cool. I remember learning so much about myself up there. I remember getting the book on the history of Harbin. And learning how the place had burned before, more than once. I remember reading about and imagining the grandeur of the old hotel building.

I remember the love, the tantra, the massages, the sex, the hikes, the quiet contemplation. I remember Francesca, Dawn, Zoe, Leah…

I remember thinking that Harbin was for me what Burning Man is for many.

And I remember the fire. And how so many of us were communicating about it online. I remember reading speculation as to it having been destroyed, and then reading how it really had been.

And I remember thinking that with all this outpouring of sadness, support, and love, that it almost can't help but rise again. I will remember the fire one final time the next time I sit in the warm pool.
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I remember a Wil Wheaton blog entry ( http://wilwheaton.net/2015/08/tears-in-rain/ ) linked to from Facebook that I ran across this morning. I remember how he talked about never being good enough for the voice in his head. I remember reading his description and how it sounded just like he was describing my experience of it.

I have at various times known as much about antidepressant drugs as anybody not actively in the forefront of the field. While it's better these days, in the past I have had the voice whisper how much easier it would be to just give up. I'm pretty certain that the only reason I'm still alive is because of Carlos Castaneda. In one of his books, the protagonist is "introduced to his best friend, Death" (despite the quotes, I'm paraphrasing). He is told that "whatever happens in life, you can look over your left shoulder, and Death will be there. And he will tell you that whatever has happened does not matter. That the only thing that matters is that he hasn't touched you yet". I have used my death in this way many times… Whenever the voice of depression grew too loud.

Wil's description let me see myself, my own struggle with the voice, in a new way. I can now see it from outside of myself. I can see how my dad played a key role in creating that voice. Specifically the part about never being able to be good enough. But that means it's my dad's voice, not my own. And that gives me a new weapon in dealing with it.

It's very clear to me that, while depression has roots in neurochemistry, it's also in part about habits of thought. Perhaps this will help me to identify when I'm playing my dad's tapes.
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This one is about something that happened to me yesterday. I was talking with a friend, and we were talking about how her child is growing up and has started to ask questions about sex, the way little kids do. And this friend told me she was torn about how much to tell, as she wanted to preserve the child's innocence for as long as possible.

Now that is something I've heard before, for my entire life really. I know that when I reached puberty, I had no idea what to do or how anything worked. I had an ongoing fantasy that an older woman would come to me and teach me about all this stuff. The discomforts of that, probably along with my time on the farm, left me with a very pragmatic approach to innocence. I am now firmly of the opinion that it's not our job to protect our children from the world, it's our job to train them to be ready to deal with the world. Train them in what they'll need to know as adults.

In my own home, with my kids, we were very open about the topic of sex. Some of that was related to our avocation of teaching in the poly world. Some of it was just being forthcoming and factual when they had questions. But by the time my youngest reached puberty, there were no mysteries about it for her. She knew about safer sex, and even safer sex agreements between people in open relationships.

Yesterday, I happened to call my daughter just to chat. While we were on the phone, I was reminded about the conversation I'd had earlier about innocence. So I explained to her about this conversation with my friend, and then asked her "Now that you're an adult, and have come out the other side of all that, how do you feel about having had sex be such a normal topic when you were younger?"

As well as I can remember, this is what she said: I wasn't upset by it at the time, and by the time I started having those feelings, I knew what they were. I knew about the difference between sex and love, I knew that the sense of infatuation was brain chemicals, and I knew how long they lasted. I knew how infatuation can become love over time. I watched my friends fumbling around with this, and they all wound up coming to me for answers. I knew enough not to make the same mistakes they were making. It really prepared me well, and I'm glad it worked out that way.

I was gobsmacked. I had long ago promised myself that just not beating my kids was "enough". That if I could do better than my dad did in that department, then I was a success as a parent, regardless of how deficient I might feel about specific things. And by that metric, I was a success. Sure, I wish I were more closely connected with my kids, but just doing better than my dad did was enough.

But this, this was like assuming I was getting a D in the class, only to find that I'd gotten an A.

It's worth noting that my daughter has been in the same polyamorous relationship with the same people over the entirety of her time in high school. They are still together.

I… Just… Wow. :)
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I remember meeting Sushi. Sushi was a female orange tabby cat, who's eyes were too small for her head, rendering her *mostly* blind.

My daughter had been invited to a birthday party for one of her friends. This party was held at the local animal shelter, and rather than bringing gifts for the child, we were encouraged to bring money or things to donate to the shelter.

So the kids were sitting at 3 tables more or less around the middle of the room. All the parents were sitting at a table in the corner. The plan was to bring in some of the animals, one at a time, for the kids to interact with.

They explained that the kids would be able to interact fairly freely with most of the animals, but because of Sushi's blindness, the kids were allowed to come only up two or three at a time to pet her.

Once the kids had all had a chance, the employee started to head out of the room, walking past the parent's table. I said "hey, what about us?". So she came over to our table, and as she was reiterating that we shouldn't handle the cat, the cat left her arms and settled onto my shoulders. She had clearly picked me.

She was a pretty friendly cat, though fiercely independent. And she was a fighter... I remember the house in San Leandro had a window in the upstairs bath that could open, but we couldn't put a screen on because of the design of the window. We opened it often because it was needed when the house got warm. A neighbor cat came in and Sushi came out ready for a fight, and chased the interloper out with much noise and gnashing of teeth.

Even when she fell ill, she was fighting to the very end.

I remember feeling like there was no way I could do what needed doing once she got to a place of suffering... But having grown up partially on a farm, I understood why it was necessary.

She will be remembered fondly.
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Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed
be doing at that moment. -Robert Benchley
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This is a collection of small things that *mostly* don't seem to exist in my world anymore. Some of these I've already written at length about, some I may yet write more about. A few of them do still exist, which I didn't know about until I started creating this.

I remember power outages that would last an evening. I remember the monthly crafts by mail club. I remember Indian Guides. I remember playgrounds with black rubber mats and climbing bars made of steel and otherwise unprotected. I remember small kid-powered playground roundabouts where we'd try to get them going as fast as possible until there weren't enough kids still on it to keep up the speed (the others having been flung off). I remember drive-in movies and how we'd play at the playground (along with a whole lot of other kids and no parents) by the snackbar until the announcement that the movie was about to start. I remember the tinny speaker hanging on the car window. I remember drive-in restaurants. I remember playing marbles at school. I remember candy "cigarettes". I remember Dick and Jane. I remember chemistry sets. I remember iron-on decals for *everything*. I remember very tall metal slides. I remember the rocking horse with big, unprotected springs to hold it to it's frame. I remember spirograph and spin-art. I remember bead curtains. I remember poptop cans. I remember when most soda still came in bottles. I remember making things out of the poptops. I remember when beanbag chairs were a big deal. I remember metal lunchboxes. I remember drinking from the hose. I remember checkers made of wood. I remember Little Golden Books. I remember How and Why Wonder Books.

I remember "please allow six to eight weeks for delivery". I remember dime stores. I remember a candy bar for a nickel. I remember when society allowed parents to let their kids out into the street without an escort. I remember milk men (very vaguely). I remember ubiquitous boomerang pattern Formica. I remember ubiquitous cheap dark brown wooden paneling (*shudder*). I remember washing machines with wringers on the side. I remember when we knew our neighbors and looked out for each other. I remember when most boys had paper routes. I remember coke machines that were horizontal, like a chest freezer. I remember wooden clothespins without springs in them. I remember when microwave ovens were new. I remember Space Food Sticks. I remember TV dinners.

I remember not needing a reservation to go camping. I remember riding in the open back of a pickup truck. I remember the oil embargo of the 70s. I remember when some cars didn't even have seatbelts. I remember gas reaching $1. I remember when it was safe to leave your keys in your car. I remember when almost all cars had bench seats front and back.

I remember slide projectors. I remember when TVs had to warm up. I remember our black and white TV. I remember stores that sold nothing but TVs. I remember console TVs. I remember TV repair men. I remember when they actually came to your house. I remember vacuum tube testing machines at the local store. I remember everybody watching TV together as a family. I remember when network TV news prided themselves on really doing their best to do objective reporting. I remember when Pong was new. I remember the introduction of the first home reel to reel video recorders (before Betamax & VHS, which I also remember). I remember 2 competing video disk technologies, both of which passed away. I remember TV before cable. I remember The Perfect 36 (TV station) and it's mascot, Carol Doda.

I remember records (yeah, I know they still exist, but they're a niche thing now). I remember 45s. I remember Close-And-Play. I remember cassettes. I remember when there were still 8 track tapes. I remember my old reel-to-reel tape recorder with the cat's eye level meter. I remember console stereos made of walnut with great craftsmanship. I remember the very first CD Walkman (big, bulky thing). I remember wind up phonographs, tho they were not common (my grandfather had an Edison disk player from 1897). I remember K-Tel commercials. I remember when Hi-Fi was the thing. I remember my dad's records, and the ones that made a big deal of being in stereo.

I remember telegrams. I remember dial telephones. I remember when most telephones were black desktop models. I remember party lines. I remember when direct dial was a pretty recent thing. I remember crossbar switching. I remember calling popcorn. I remember when the trimline phone was new. I remember when making a call on your wrist was limited to comic strips. I remember when a long distance call was a really big deal. I remember when CB was a big deal.

I remember parades were a lot more common. I remember all the Apollo flights and the moon landings. I remember Nixon being thrown out. I remember protests against the war in Viet Nam. I remember when all the textbooks at school said Lyndon B. Johnson was president, even tho that wasn't the case anymore.

I remember slide rules. I remember typewriters. I remember ditto machines. I remember laying out the school paper with razor blades and paste. I remember mom's first digital calculator (a Sharp with a tiny LED display, and that worked in RPN). I remember movies in school that predicted ubiquitous computers, video calling and instant access to information. I remember how it felt like science fiction. (And I have gotten to play a very small part in making that happen *woo hoo*!) I remember flashbulbs and flashcubes. I remember "brownie" and Super-8 cameras. I remember when the first LED digital watches (yes, LED not LCD) were a new and expensive thing. I remember rolodexes. I remember using the Atari 400, Atari 800, Heathkit H9, Commodore PET 2001, Sinclare ZX80, PDP-8, Wang VS 100, Apple ][, Apple ///, Apple Lisa, Commodore Vic 20, Commodore 64, Victor 9000, IBM PC 5150, IBM PC AT 5170, Compaq I, Amiga 1000, Apple Macintosh (the first one), and a host of later PC and Mac derivities

I remember when pretty much everybody smoked and there were ashtrays everywhere. I remember "safety razors". I remember when everybody wanted a nice tan. I remember leisure suits. I remember mercurochrome. I remember disco. I remember click-clacks. I remember when breaking a limb at school was part of what happened, not grounds for a lawsuit.

I remember Ultra Man, Howdy Doody, Laugh-In, Hogan's Heroes, Mister Rogers (when he was still young), The Courtship of Eddie's Father, The Beverly Hillbillies, My Favorite Martian, Lost In Space, I Dream Of Jeannie, Mister Ed, Green Acres, The Flying Nun, Batman, Bewtiched, The Newlywed Game, The Brady Bunch, Star Trek, The Munsters, The Partridge Family, The Odd Couple, M*A*S*H, All In The Family, Maude, Sanford & Son, Emergency!, Dragnet, Adam-12, Three's Company, Barney Miller, One Day At A Time, Baretta, Mayr Tyler Moore, Lou Grant, Welcome Back Kotter, Alice, WKRP In Cincinatti, The Jeffersons, The Love Boat, Quincy, M.E., Benson, The Incredible Hulk, Six-Million Dollar Man, The Monkees, Sonny & Cher, S-W-A-T, The Waltons, The Smothers Brothers, Flip Wilson, Chico & The Man, Good Times, The Carol Burnette Show, The Bob Newhart Show, The Archie Comedy Hour, Captain Kangaroo, Superman in black and white, Batman, The Banana Splits Show, The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Show, The Pink Panther Show, Wacky Races, Penelope Pitstop, Yogi Bear, The Thubderbirds, Kimba, Flintstones, Stingray, Top Cat, Underdog, Woody Woodpecker, Flipper, Little House on the Prairie, Happy Days, Mister Magoo, Dark Shadows, and a host of others. I remember a bunch of entertainment options that it would no longer be politically correct to even mention.
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This is a composite memory. I remember that nothing I did was ever good enough. I was never good enough. I had to hide that I wasn't good enough. I remember working on projects, and dad would come over and tell me I wasn't doing it right, and here let me show you… And then it wasn't my project anymore. This happened so many times I remember being a still pretty small kid and asking dad why I couldn't work on my own projects. I think he relented some after that.

But I've carried not good enough ever since then. I had to succeed at everything, or the place I had in the lives of those around me would be taken away. At various times, I've talked about this in different ways, but it comes down to the same belief. Most of my jealousy came from that.

When Gene passed, I could see how much his passing effected a lot of people, including people who hadn't seen him for years. Now I've started to see how that's true for me too. And as I think about it, through the coaching work I've done, both with Dawn and on my own, I know that work has deeply touched many lives. Through SoundFit, I've come to have a clearer perspective on what I bring to my workplace as well.

Maybe I don't have to keep losing out. :)
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