Apr. 27th, 2015

akienm: (Default)
I remember hearing of Gene's death. I remember enough about it that there are probably two additional posts as of now. Might even wind up with more, I know I have more things to remember with him.

I remember my Dad's death. I have written of this before here.

I remember another several deaths. Matt Shelton, Joe Brown, My mom, Tom Hemsley, Ingred Harder, Grace Brown, Merle Hemsley, a few cats…

I remember being puzzled about how little most of them seemed to effect me. My mom passed after a long coma, and it was more relief than grieving. I guess I grieved her passing before she passed.

Gene's death has impacted me more than any other. In some ways, it's the first time I've really faced the death of someone who mattered so deeply to me. The first time the death had a day to day impact on me, so far anyway.

I want to remember this feeling. It's not pleasant. But loss is also part of being human. Being able to feel bad makes feeling good have something to contrast against. It makes me not take it for granted.

With Gene's death, I remember not being able to hold it together, dissolving into tears. Oceanic waves of emotion. Repeatedly. Dad, some tears right after he passed. The others, sadness.

I think this is the first time I've really experienced death so keenly. I'm learning what it is to really mourn someone. I even asked Leah the other day how to tell if it was depression or mourning. Then, 5 minutes later, I was watching her get dressed with this deep contentment. I guess it's mourning.


As of now, I think that even when it has faded, this loss will be with me forever.
akienm: (Default)
LK Compatible Version. Modified from http://bbq.about.com/od/barbecuesaucerecipes/r/blb00114.htm

INGREDIENTS

1 cup prepared yellow mustard
3/4 cup zylitol
3/4 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup dried minced onion
2 tablespoons chili powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon liquid smoke (hickory flavoring)

Yield: Makes about 2 1/4 cups

PREPARATION

Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Total Time: 40 minutes

Mix all ingredients except soy, butter and smoke. Simmer 30 minutes. Stir in remaining ingredients and simmer for 10 more minutes.

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Akien MacIain

August 2017

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