May. 12th, 2015

akienm: (Default)
I Remember has usually been about incidents, occasionally about incidents and people, but mostly about snapshots I remember.

The death of my friend has left me aware that I wish I'd said all the things to him that I said after he was gone. Mind you, he did know the place he held in my heart. Nothing I've said would have *surprised* him. But I am left with a mild regret.

And it's one I don't have to repeat. So beginning today, I'll be trying to detail some of who people have been for me, before they're gone. These take a long time to write, so they'll come alone rarely.

Thanks for reading…

I remember…

I remember David Shultz.

I remember meeting you in high school. Meeting in the Drama Class. I remember quite accidently spelling your name right on the first try and you commenting on how most people got it wrong. I remember your bedroom *before* the San Ramon house, and the Led Zepplin poster on the wall. I remember chatting with you all through your drafting classes. I remember talking about the maglev train you wanted to help create.

For the longest time, my world revolved around you. You seemed so certain of where you were going, and not having anywhere to go myself, that was so seductive. We were constantly plotting this or that. You became my best friend. I remember the bookstore, and how we'd hang out with Sharon. I remember cooking pepper steak in your kitchen, and you being surprised that you liked it because it had onions in it. I remember taking amusement at the sound of bottles being crushed in the trash compactor as we cleaned up after one or the other of your other parties. I remember how we spent time with Dale Ross, the physics wiz who was astounded when we used a lever to lift his car. I remember working with you on plays, and the school dances. I remember we even had a small clump of double dates when we were both chasing different women. I remember jumping from your car as you drove away from my house… I remember jumping onto your car as you drove by, and climbing in at a number of places. I remember countless hours just hanging out, driving here or there, listening to Queen, Styx, ELO… I remember going to a Styx concert… Was it in Berkeley? It was my first concert. I remember hanging out with Laura Finco and her girlfriend (who's name now escapes me). I remember the time the 4 of us were driving across the bay bridge and they were signing at each other, and Laura made some comment about the angle not being good so she couldn't hear her. And we all laughed at that.

I remember you loaning me Richard Bach's book "Illusions". I don't know to what degree you're aware of it, but that book profoundly changed my life. That book gave me a new set of ideas about how the world works. That book made me see what religion really meant *to me*, and allowed me to see that my religion was not my folk's Christianity. That book got me through so many difficult times. In fact, it's only now, as I write this, that I realize that the most important lesson I got from that book was that there are alternatives to learned helplessness.

I remember going to college. I remember hanging around with you and Judy Cope, Mike Delgado, and yet another host of additional folks. I remember we sat the same tables at the same times of day. I remember you organizing a trip to Wrath of Kahn in the theaters, and how I connected with Judy there. I remember you taking a swing at me because I'd made a connection with somebody you were interested in. I think it was Judy? Or was it Clovis? Doesn't matter. I think I remember that it wound up eventually creating more connection, not less. Though it took a while before it was even clear to me why you'd taken a swing at me.

I remember the clipboard computer we noodled about building, that shows up in the tablets of today. The clip was really unnecessary, clearly.

I remember designing worlds for role playing games. I remember learning Trillian Credit Squadron from you. And how we went to a con where there was going to be a tournament, but we arrived too late. I later played the winning ships from that con against our "jump-shuttle enabled" fleet, and we won easily, but that was after the tournament was over. I remember role playing games with David Ebling, his wife Janet, Ron Tolvar, and small host of others.

I remember you introduced me to Clovis Carleton. She enabled me to take what I'd learned from Illusions and remake my life with it. It was one of the most important romantic relationships in my life.

I remember at Faire, when you led a parade and yelled "make ye way for a bunch of drunken Scots!" And then got into an argument with a tree because it wouldn't get out of the way.

I remember working in Livermore and hanging out with you, Phil Rostonovitch, Eugene Rominger, Josh Scholar, Frank Fuller, Jack Thornton, Ken Rose, Scott Emery and a host of others. I remember swordfighting for practice in the parking lot outside of SofTalent. I remember exploring the coastal defense batteries with you and those folks. I remember knife throwing practice in the office.

I remember you beginning to delve into paganism, and how for a time, that created yet more overlap for us. I remember the Tuesday Group… I remember holding rituals in Tilden, at the costal defense batteries, so many places. I remember how as part of the Tuesday Group you officiated at my wedding to Dawn Davidson. Black robe, white overmantle, and the green circular tree ornament that Gene created for you to wear.

I remember one encounter where I was intoxicated and so not at my best… You turned to Dawn and said something to the effect of "is this really what you want?" I don't think I ever said anything, but I was so angry at you for that.

I remember that after that, we drifted apart somewhat. You took a place sharing a house with Clovis and a few others. I remember you drifting to a different part of the pagan world too.

I remember that a small part of why we drifted apart was because of increasing resentment over my getting excited and invested in your ideas, but then you seemed to grow disinterested. Planus Interruptus. It left me feeling like following you wasn't ever going to get me anywhere. I remember many years later when we talked about this, and got it talked through. I am really glad of that.

I remember year after year seeing you organizing things for Pantheacon. It seemed like you'd really found a good niche. I remember hearing that you and Angela Carlson were attached. It made my heart glad for the both of you.

I remember helping you with a last load on your move into a place that apparently you spent longer in than any other up to that point. 15 years by the time Gene passed.

I remember you and I chatting after Gene's passing. I remember realizing only then that you might be ADD too. I remember you being kind of amazed at the 3D Scanner I'd designed. I remember being impressed with your working as a minister to folks in prison. I also remembered a lot of times where I'd been your minister. I really, really liked remembering that. I hope you did eventually listen to the tapes I gave you of Richard Bach reading Illusions.

I am grateful you've been in my life.

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Akien MacIain

August 2017

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