akienm: (Default)
I remember Eugene Rominger​'s memorial. I remember the old faces and the new. I remember that the remembering was lighthearted and joyful for the most part. I remember Anthony Adragna​'s stories about explosions. I remember Robert J. Stear​ telling me later that it had drawn out memories for him that he'd completely forgotten about. I remember hearing about how Alex Medeiros's career in computers got started, and I felt really good for him. I remember Bear Thesmith was there, and that made me glad.

I also remember deciding that the lead up to this event was decent grounds to clean all the things, since we hadn't really done spring cleaning yet. I remember not figuring out how to successfully make the churros cookies until a couple of days after the event (the secret is to use a cake decorating bit to squeeze them out onto baking parchment sitting on top of dry ice. Then as soon as they're solid, getting them into the hot oil).

I also remember realizing that despite what a recluse he was in many ways, that all these people spent the time and energy to come to this. And it put my own poor sense of value into a new perspective.

I am grateful for this memory. And for all the folks who could make it.
akienm: (Default)
I remember when Gene died, it left me very busy… I had a bunch of things to take care of related to the memorial, I had a lot of processing to do (which I did online), and I allowed all this busy to get in the way of my I remembers. I remember thinking of countless things I thought I should remember to put down. I remember that part of why was because with Gene's passing, all the things in my life suddenly seemed more urgent.

I am contemplative thinking on this memory. I think I lost sight, with all the feedback from others, that I was doing this for me.
akienm: (Default)
1 lb ground turkey
1/4 cup breadcrumbs
1 egg
1/2 onion, caramelized
1/2 to 1 tsp poultry seasoning (erring to the high side of that)
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp pepper
1/4 tsp paprika

mix. squish into patties. cook in hot pan. maybe with a little oil. eat. say "Aaahhhh..." :)
akienm: (Default)
I remember...

I remember my mom had a subscription to the Fad of the month club... Or the National Handcrafts Institute... Or the National Handcrafts Society. Was all the same thing. She got packages every month, and I don't remember most of them. The web doesn't have much on this, I've found the ones I could.

I remember my folks getting me a subscription for a while. I remember using the parts to one of the projects to create a game... Mostly it was a game in my own head. My brother told mom I wouldn't let him play too, and she told me I had to let him. Let him play inside my head... Nope, couldn't figure that out. So I tried to invent something based on the same set of ideas. He grew bored right quick. But by then, I'd lost whatever it was I had going on before he joined me.

I remember playing with some of mom's projects when we were kids... We weren't supposed to. We of course broke them. Was probably one of the earlier times of me getting hit by my dad, and one of the earlier times of me starting to see the world as fixable. When things broke, we could fix them. Not all the time, but most of the time.

That lesson about fixing things still drives my life today.

I like this memory.

Here are some of the images:
https://www.facebook.com/akienm/media_set?set=a.10206111047408469.1073741829.1631316577&type=3
akienm: (Default)
2 yellow onions, finely chopped
3 carrots, peeled and chopped
1 cup chopped dried dates

3 lb. ground lamb
2 1⁄2 cups lamb stock

1 cup canned crushed tomatoes
3 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp. ground cumin
1⁄4 tsp. saffron threads
1 Tbs. peeled and minced fresh ginger
2 Tbs. finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
Salt and freshly ground pepper, to taste

Chop all things needing chopping

Carmelize the onions and set aside.

Cook lamb in skillet (oil if needed). Remove from pan and set aside covered to keep the heat.

Deglaze skillet with stock

Add carrots. Cook the carrots to just barely soft while cooking down the stock

Add remaining ingredients

Cook until parsley is tender and everything else is nicely mixed and warm (in case the set aside items cooled)

Original: http://www.williams-sonoma.com/recipe/moroccan-lamb-stew.html
akienm: (Default)
1 lb lean ground meat of your choice
3 cups bell peppers, chopped (I used a combination of red, yellow & green)
1 large onion, thinly sliced
2 large garlic cloves, thinly sliced
2 tablespoons fresh gingerroot, minced
2 tablespoons dried parsley
1⁄4 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
1⁄2 teaspoon salt
1 cup animal (bef/chicken/lamb/etc) stock
3 tablespoons gluten-free soy sauce
1 teaspoon chili paste
1⁄4 cup water

In a large skillet, over over medium heat, cook and stir the ground meat until evenly browned. Drain and set aside.

Add the peppers, onion, garlic and ginger.

Season with parsley, red pepper, and salt.

Cook and stir until tender.

Return the meat to the skillet.

In a small bowl, mix together the stock, soy sauce, and chile paste.

Cook until heated through and sauce comes to a boil.

Cook down by half, stirring constantly until sauce is thickened.

Original: http://www.food.com/recipe/asian-ground-beef-pepper-and-onion-saute-299322
akienm: (Default)
Probably one of the most important lessons I have learned is that my best relationships are the ones where I allow the other person to simply be who they are… And I choose how close I can comfortably be to that. How close I can comfortably be is a moment to moment thing.

I've been in relationships where I wanted the other person to be different than who they were being. Like agreeing to an open relationship, then getting jealous, and trying to make agreements to limit their behavior in some way. Or remaining in a relationship where I felt judged by the other person, and trying to find some magical tool that could make it all better.

When I do that, I'm saying "I love you! But if you'd just be somebody other than who you are, I'd love you!" Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.

This doesn't mean my partners and I don't challenge one another to be better. Leah's been exercising a lot and I do strive to keep up. But that's my choice, not a requirement of hers.


I am grateful for this learning.
akienm: (Default)
I remember we painted rooms at Dawn's house. I remember that night talking about you having a job interview or something the next day. I remember realizing you painted in your good shoes and now the black shoes were covered in a starfield of little white spots. I remember that there wasn't going to be time before the interview to get new shoes. I remember telling you to give them to me, I went and got a Sharpie, and for the next I have no idea how long, I colored those dots one by one until they were all covered up. The other side of ADD is hyperfocus, and it sure came in handy. And you had black shoes to wear to your interview.

This is an amusing memory.
akienm: (Default)
Now that it's scabbed over, it doesn't look anywhere near as bad as the open wound led me to believe.
Click here to see the scab )
akienm: (Default)
I injured my left thumb on 5/17. This is a record of it's progress.
Click only if you really wanna see the injury... )
akienm: (Default)
I Remember has usually been about incidents, occasionally about incidents and people, but mostly about snapshots I remember.

The death of my friend has left me aware that I wish I'd said all the things to him that I said after he was gone. Mind you, he did know the place he held in my heart. Nothing I've said would have *surprised* him. But I am left with a mild regret.

And it's one I don't have to repeat. So beginning today, I'll be trying to detail some of who people have been for me, before they're gone. These take a long time to write, so they'll come alone rarely.

Thanks for reading…

I remember…

I remember David Shultz.

I remember meeting you in high school. Meeting in the Drama Class. I remember quite accidently spelling your name right on the first try and you commenting on how most people got it wrong. I remember your bedroom *before* the San Ramon house, and the Led Zepplin poster on the wall. I remember chatting with you all through your drafting classes. I remember talking about the maglev train you wanted to help create.

For the longest time, my world revolved around you. You seemed so certain of where you were going, and not having anywhere to go myself, that was so seductive. We were constantly plotting this or that. You became my best friend. I remember the bookstore, and how we'd hang out with Sharon. I remember cooking pepper steak in your kitchen, and you being surprised that you liked it because it had onions in it. I remember taking amusement at the sound of bottles being crushed in the trash compactor as we cleaned up after one or the other of your other parties. I remember how we spent time with Dale Ross, the physics wiz who was astounded when we used a lever to lift his car. I remember working with you on plays, and the school dances. I remember we even had a small clump of double dates when we were both chasing different women. I remember jumping from your car as you drove away from my house… I remember jumping onto your car as you drove by, and climbing in at a number of places. I remember countless hours just hanging out, driving here or there, listening to Queen, Styx, ELO… I remember going to a Styx concert… Was it in Berkeley? It was my first concert. I remember hanging out with Laura Finco and her girlfriend (who's name now escapes me). I remember the time the 4 of us were driving across the bay bridge and they were signing at each other, and Laura made some comment about the angle not being good so she couldn't hear her. And we all laughed at that.

I remember you loaning me Richard Bach's book "Illusions". I don't know to what degree you're aware of it, but that book profoundly changed my life. That book gave me a new set of ideas about how the world works. That book made me see what religion really meant *to me*, and allowed me to see that my religion was not my folk's Christianity. That book got me through so many difficult times. In fact, it's only now, as I write this, that I realize that the most important lesson I got from that book was that there are alternatives to learned helplessness.

I remember going to college. I remember hanging around with you and Judy Cope, Mike Delgado, and yet another host of additional folks. I remember we sat the same tables at the same times of day. I remember you organizing a trip to Wrath of Kahn in the theaters, and how I connected with Judy there. I remember you taking a swing at me because I'd made a connection with somebody you were interested in. I think it was Judy? Or was it Clovis? Doesn't matter. I think I remember that it wound up eventually creating more connection, not less. Though it took a while before it was even clear to me why you'd taken a swing at me.

I remember the clipboard computer we noodled about building, that shows up in the tablets of today. The clip was really unnecessary, clearly.

I remember designing worlds for role playing games. I remember learning Trillian Credit Squadron from you. And how we went to a con where there was going to be a tournament, but we arrived too late. I later played the winning ships from that con against our "jump-shuttle enabled" fleet, and we won easily, but that was after the tournament was over. I remember role playing games with David Ebling, his wife Janet, Ron Tolvar, and small host of others.

I remember you introduced me to Clovis Carleton. She enabled me to take what I'd learned from Illusions and remake my life with it. It was one of the most important romantic relationships in my life.

I remember at Faire, when you led a parade and yelled "make ye way for a bunch of drunken Scots!" And then got into an argument with a tree because it wouldn't get out of the way.

I remember working in Livermore and hanging out with you, Phil Rostonovitch, Eugene Rominger, Josh Scholar, Frank Fuller, Jack Thornton, Ken Rose, Scott Emery and a host of others. I remember swordfighting for practice in the parking lot outside of SofTalent. I remember exploring the coastal defense batteries with you and those folks. I remember knife throwing practice in the office.

I remember you beginning to delve into paganism, and how for a time, that created yet more overlap for us. I remember the Tuesday Group… I remember holding rituals in Tilden, at the costal defense batteries, so many places. I remember how as part of the Tuesday Group you officiated at my wedding to Dawn Davidson. Black robe, white overmantle, and the green circular tree ornament that Gene created for you to wear.

I remember one encounter where I was intoxicated and so not at my best… You turned to Dawn and said something to the effect of "is this really what you want?" I don't think I ever said anything, but I was so angry at you for that.

I remember that after that, we drifted apart somewhat. You took a place sharing a house with Clovis and a few others. I remember you drifting to a different part of the pagan world too.

I remember that a small part of why we drifted apart was because of increasing resentment over my getting excited and invested in your ideas, but then you seemed to grow disinterested. Planus Interruptus. It left me feeling like following you wasn't ever going to get me anywhere. I remember many years later when we talked about this, and got it talked through. I am really glad of that.

I remember year after year seeing you organizing things for Pantheacon. It seemed like you'd really found a good niche. I remember hearing that you and Angela Carlson were attached. It made my heart glad for the both of you.

I remember helping you with a last load on your move into a place that apparently you spent longer in than any other up to that point. 15 years by the time Gene passed.

I remember you and I chatting after Gene's passing. I remember realizing only then that you might be ADD too. I remember you being kind of amazed at the 3D Scanner I'd designed. I remember being impressed with your working as a minister to folks in prison. I also remembered a lot of times where I'd been your minister. I really, really liked remembering that. I hope you did eventually listen to the tapes I gave you of Richard Bach reading Illusions.

I am grateful you've been in my life.
akienm: (Default)
Chocolate Evil
(yield: about 1 quart)

Ingredients:
1 12oz bag of dark chocolate chips (I recommend high-quality, like Guittard, at least 60% cacao)
12oz heavy cream
1 tsp vanilla
2 egg whites
1 1/3 cups sugar
1/3 cup water
pinch of salt

Put the chocolate chips and heavy cream into a microwave-safe bowl. Microwave for 30 seconds, stir, and repeat, until the chips are all soft and you can stir it into a smooth ganache. Set it aside to cool to body temperature. (Alternately, heat it in a bowl over boiling water, it takes about the same amount of time.) Add the vanilla once the chocolate is cool enough to touch.

Heat the sugar, water, and salt in a small saucepan, stirring until the sugar is dissolved. Allow it to boil for two minutes. While that is boiling, beat the egg whites with a mixer until they form soft peaks. (If they're slow, you can turn the syrup off and let it stand while you finish off the egg whites.)

Reduce the mixer speed to medium and add the sugar syrup in a thin, steady stream near the edge of the bowl (hitting the whisk makes for a mess). The whites will double in volume. Keep the mixer on medium until the whites cool to body temperature, about five minutes. Turn off the mixer.

By this time the ganache should be between body temperature and room temperature. With a rubber spatula, fold the ganache gently into the egg white mixture. Be sure to get the edges and bottom of the bowl. Pour it into containers (I recommend plastic ziploc trays or screw-top widemouth storage containers) and place in the freezer. Chill for at least five hours. Serve sparingly, it's very rich.
akienm: (Default)
Ingredients (makes 60 cookies):

4 large eggs, free-range or organic
¾ cup extra virgin coconut oil (160g / 5.8 oz), add ¼ cup if too dry (total 220g / 7.7 oz)
¾ cup Xylitol (80g / 2.8 oz)
½ cup raw cacao powder (40g / 1.5 oz)
1 cup fine coconut flour (120g / 4.2 oz)
1 tbsp cinnamon
1 bar dark 85% chocolate (100g / 3.5 oz)
60 halves pecan nuts (90g / 3.2 oz)

Instructions:

Crack the eggs into a bowl and whisk with melted coconut oil. Add Erythritol and stevia and mix in well. Erythritol doesn't dissolve unless heated. For best results, powder it first.

Note: To boost the flavour, you can use chocolate or cinnamon flavoured stevia or add a tablespoon of natural sugar-free chocolate extract.

Add cinnamon and cocoa powder.

Mix in well using a whisk.

Add the coconut flour and process well.
Note: Sifting the coconut flour through a strainer will help you avoid hard lumps from getting into the pastry.

Place the dough into a plastic foil and in the fridge to harden for at least 1 hour.

After 1 hour, preheat the oven to 175 C / 350 F. Using the foil or two sheets of parchment paper, roll the dough out until it's about ¼ inch / ½ cm thick.

Use a cookie cutter to create your shapes. I used a 2 inch / 5 cm cookie cutter.

Place the cookies on a baking dish lined with parchment paper leaving little gaps between each cookie. Roll the remaining dough and repeat until all the dough is used up.

Place in the oven and bake for 10-12 minutes. When done, remove from the oven and let them cool down. Make sure that the they are completely cool before you add the chocolate topping.
Note: Coconut flour tends to burn faster than regular wheat four. Keep an eye on the cookies to prevent burning!

Melt the chocolate in a water bath. Using a small ¼ tsp measuring spoon, pour the chocolate on top and press the pecan halve in. If you have any chocolate left, just spoon it on top of the pecan halves.

Transfer to a serving plate when the chocolate is completely solid.

Why try soaking nuts - Some people have digestive issues when eating nuts. It's actually not that rare. However, it's not always caused by an allergy and they don't have to stop eating them. There are "anti-nutrients" such as lectins, phytates and enzyme inhibitors that seem to be the reason for many people having digestive issues when eating raw nuts. While roasting helps to reduce the "anti-nutrients", soaking the nuts first is even more effective.

Soaking and dehydrating not only makes nuts deliciously crispy, but their nutrients are better digested and absorbed by your body.

Pecan nuts need to soak for at least 6-8 hours, cashew nuts 6 hours and hard nuts like hazelnuts or almonds 8-12 hours.

Simply place them in a bowl, cover with water and leave them to soak overnight. Drain and spread on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper and dehydrate at 55-65 C / 150 F for 12-24 hours, turning them occasionally, until completely dry. When done, store in an airtight container.

Original recipe: http://ketodietapp.com/Blog/post/2013/12/17/Keto-Chocolate-Pecan-Cookies-and-Benefits-of-Soaking-Nuts
akienm: (Default)
When is it a carpaccio and when is it a cerviche? I don't know. This one was originally a salmon carpaccio, but given it's acid content, it does the same chemical cooking that a cerviche does.

~2lb fresh tuna (fresh frozen is fine)
2 lemons
2 tbsp chopped dill
2 shallots, finely chopped
2 tsp honey
2 tbsp extra-virgin olive oil
1 tbsp capers, drained and dried
baby spinach leaves to serve

Rinse and dry the fiah, then wrap in cling film and freeze for 1 hr to make slicing easier. Meanwhile, finely grate the zest from one lemon and squeeze the juice from both. Mix in a bowl with the dill, shallots, sugar and 1 tsp sea salt.

Add the olive oil and whisk to amalgamate.

Unwrap the fish and set on a large chopping board. Cut wafer-thin slices on the diagonal, as you would smoked salmon. Arrange a layer of the fish over a large shallow dish, then spoon over a little of the marinade – spreading it to evenly coat the fish. Continue slicing and layering, finishing with a layer of marinade. Cover with cling film, directly over the fish, and chill for at least 2 hrs or overnight.

To serve, arrange the salmon slices over a platter and scatter over the capers and some salad leaves.

Adapted from: http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/13362/fresh-salmon-carpaccio
akienm: (Default)
I remember John O' Groats, the northeast corner of Scotland. I remember we arrived when everything had closed up. Knowing the importance the point had once had, I expected more. A museum or something. We continued up the road.

I remember driving the northern coast road and there still being traces of sunlight reflected in the sky past 9PM. It gave me a moment of wonder.

I remember the little B&B, which I haven't been able to find the location of. Gills, maybe? Thurso? Not sure. Run by that older couple who welcomed us in and were so concerned over our wellbeing after the accident. They apologized for dinner having been put away, but they'd be happy to make us some sandwiches? And then we had to tell the story again, at their behest, to the rest of the guests. They all laughed at the cop's "Next time, get a MAP!".

I remember the Castle of Mey. I hadn't really thought before that about the connection between modern British Royalty and the… Well, the dirt. All the agricultural things that happen out in the hinterlands that they connect very directly to. I was impressed.

I remember RSPB Dunnet Head, the most northerly point of mainland Britain. I remember stopping well before the lighthouse at this tiny little building that was the Tourist Office, the Post Office, a Tea Shop, and three or 4 other things, all in this tiny building that was only manned a few hours each week. I remember stopping by the lighthouse and reading all the plaques they had there. I remember driving around in the area on the inland side of the lighthouse, right there at the edge of the coast. I remember abandoned pillboxes and other concrete buildings from WWII, now just shells. I think there were one or two plaques there too. The whole area was open, empty, desolate, and rich in history and hospitality.

I think I remember staying a couple of days in Thurso… Tho I may be mixing up Thurso and Gills in the mists of time. I remember very clearly staying a couple of days, and having a window that looked out onto the bay. I remember the window was the first one I'd seen that could open at 3 different angles. And I remember the view onto the bay.

I remember countless small stops along the way at places that had tourist places with history and gifts, some made in Scotland, some in China. They've all kind of blurred together in my memory. How many different boot knives can really distinguish themselves before they blur together, eh? Scraps of tartan? Cute little signs with this or that witty saying about Scotland? Is there any part of the world that doesn't have that at this point (with it's own local bent, of course)?

I remember Smoo Cave. I think the name was nearly as amusing as the location. I remember the cave itself was pretty neat, with dramatic lighting and a tour on a boat. I remember learning all about the geology that created it and the history of the site. None of which I have retained through the passage of time.

I remember Durness, and how we found little internet booths we could use (rent maybe?) and catching up on some email with the kids. I remember you shopping at the crafts booth and finding something or other for Victoria… And seeing more things that would also would have been neat, but we didn't have the room.

I remember wanting to see Point Wrath, but it was only accessible via scheduled tour bus and we'd missed the last one. I remember we couldn't drive out there ourselves because it was MoD property, and used for training and testing on munitions.
akienm: (Default)
I remember thinking over and over about how I wanted to share something with you, only to remember a split second later that you weren't here any more.


This is a sad memory
akienm: (Default)
I remember sitting in the bathtub. I remember you, sitting in the red corduroy dress, and you were complaining at me about something, I have no idea what it was. Perhaps you were saying you were bored. I hay have asked you to remove your shoes, I'm not sure about that. I remember standing up in the bath, steeping out with one foot, picking you up, and lowering you into the bath with me, dress and all. I remember you being shocked, but eventually amused.

I really like this memory
akienm: (Default)
I have struggled with depression since I was a kid, though I didn't realize I was even having difficulty until I was in my teens. And even then, I wouldn't have called it depression.

I think my mom struggled too… She had a job outside the home for a few years, but eventually she "had a nervous breakdown", which of course can mean just about anything.

I didn't think of it as depression until I was in my late 20s or early 30s. I've tried many of the available meds, and the sexual side effects most of them had drove me away from that.

Dealing with this my whole life, I've thought of suicide an awful lot of times.

When I was in my early 20s, I read a book by Carlos Castaneda in which one of the characters is "introduced to his death". His teacher tells him death will be his best friend. That no matter what else happens to him, he can look over his left shoulder at his death, and death will tell you "It doesn't matter. All that matters is that I haven't touched you yet".

This has been very powerful for me. The way it's expressed itself in my life has been that no matter how bad things have gotten, I've been able to say "well, if it gets worse, and I can't stand it any more, THEN I can do myself in". And even when it's gotten worse, this has enabled me to keep standing up to it. My death really has become a friend.

Dealing with Gene's death has cast a different light on this. Even though I didn't have to "clean up the immediate mess", I am still cleaning up messes. Messes in my own head. Dealing with the Gene shaped hole within me.

I know he didn't think anybody would really miss him that much. I *might* be the person most deeply affected.

But I think I've learned that me doing what he has done would have much more far reaching implications than I'd ever imagined before.
akienm: (Default)
I remember feeling cut off. Like I didn't know how to connect.

I remember being very young and walking around the perimeter of the yard at school, because I didn't seem to know how to fit in with the others.

I remember being a little older and looking at the girls at school in their dittos. They really did drive me to distraction. I remember being fascinated by the front abdominal curve that the high waisted and tight fitting jeans afforded. And I remember feeling cut off from being able to connect with those girls. I remember it was very painful.

Even later, I remember sex parties. I remember one of the early ones I went to, many years ago. I was so excited to be invited. And not only that, I was going to give an "opening ritual" that I'd written specifically for the event. I remember that as we were prepping, we discovered that I was having a herpes outbreak. I remember going from being excited to being appalled. I remember thinking that if I went, it was going to be like a starving man at a buffet but prevented from actually getting to the food. We made an agreement that we'd leave after the opening ritual, and spend time just the two of us.

I remember delivering the opening ritual. And it was amazing. Everybody felt more connected after the opening ritual than I'd ever seen at any point in any sex party, and we hadn't done anything but the ritual. I remember my partner being so excited that she really wanted to stay.

I remember I had crappy boundaries, and grudgingly said OK. We went to the host and asked about a fun compound for me, because that would make it easier to be in that space. The host suggested a different fun compound instead, assuring me that it'd be much better for this event.

I remember that I reacted poorly to the compound. I remember it was the worst night of my life. Worse than going to the ER because of gallstones. My partner wouldn't play with me, because then she wouldn't be able to play with anyone else. So I really was starving and on the outside looking in. Listening to the sounds of play from upstairs. I was a tight ball of rage for the next 8 hours.

I remember my first actual cuddle party. It wasn't that long ago, on my birthday, May 8 2011. It was held at my place. I remember growing more and more discomfited through the very early moments of the event. I remember quietly disappearing and stealthfully fleeing from the event.

I remember last night, mulling over things about Gene with a friend. Something about how Gene also didn't feel like he deserved anything made me see that he wasn't the only one. For the first time I was able to see that, through all of these experiences, I had felt like I didn't deserve it. The beatings from my childhood left me believing I was so awful and worthless a human being that I deserved nothing. Except maybe to be hurt. Being so undeserving, clearly nobody would want to connect in physical or sexual ways with me. I've known for some time that I had problems with my sense of worth, but last night was the first time the words "didn't deserve it" fit.

Somehow I'm now able to make some distinctions now between esteem, worth, and deserving. Esteem because of what I'm capable of, I have that. Deserving… I've never had that. I've never felt like I deserved anything. Not even a rest. Everyone else deserved, but not me.

I remember conversations about privilege, and how I reacted to them, because they all talked about white males feeling like they deserved this or that just for being white males. Those words made sense to me as words, but they didn't have emotional meaning for me. I've never felt like I deserved anything. Because of this, the privilege conversations just felt like another way to say "see, you really are awful, you deserve nothing".

I've felt like I could figure out how to get some things, how to build some things, and when I was young, how to cheat in some way to get things. Like stealing dad's m&m candies when I was 7. I learned to do a lot of things really well, like sex, massage, being handy around the house… But these were all me trying to bribe the world to keep such an undeserving person around.

I never felt like I *deserved* anything. Even what I have now. I have carried this my whole life. Now, in this moment, even sharing this is hard. I don't know why, maybe because I fear the world will confirm this lack of deserving.

But maybe identifying this distinction of "deserve" will make some kind of difference. Maybe I can at least tell myself I deserve to rest from time to time.
akienm: (Default)
LK Compatible Version. Modified from http://bbq.about.com/od/barbecuesaucerecipes/r/blb00114.htm

INGREDIENTS

1 cup prepared yellow mustard
3/4 cup zylitol
3/4 cup cider vinegar
1/4 cup water
1/2 cup dried minced onion
2 tablespoons chili powder
1 teaspoon black pepper
1 teaspoon white pepper
1/2 teaspoon cayenne
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon liquid smoke (hickory flavoring)

Yield: Makes about 2 1/4 cups

PREPARATION

Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 30 minutes
Total Time: 40 minutes

Mix all ingredients except soy, butter and smoke. Simmer 30 minutes. Stir in remaining ingredients and simmer for 10 more minutes.
Page generated Jul. 25th, 2017 06:34 pm
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