akienm: (Default)
Why was I crying? Well, to be sure, things have not been all bad, I have led a life with some really lovely moments. Why I'm crying is because of some of the positive things I remember.

Things I remember...

I remember being sure D was pregnant before she was.

I remember trying to make it work to buy our duplex, but it was really too much money for too little space, with the new kid coming.

I remember finding the house on ListingLink.com (which no longer exists). It was the first house we looked at. We then looked at every neighborhood from Marin to Hayward. We never found a better combination of price, schools, quality of neighborhood, amenities, and size. We even made an offer on another place about 4 blocks away. It was just meant to be.

I remember wanting a place with either a hot tub, or a place to put one. Because we knew that as new buyers, we'd be house poor for a while to come.

I remember putting all our stuff beneath Chris & Carmen's place in 1997, for about a month. The entirety of our household. Their basement was full from floor to ceiling. We joked that it was the perfect time for an earthquake, because if their house fell, it could only fall 2 inches. We had to be out of the old place something like a month before we could move into the new one. We crashed in their office space. It wasn't an easy time, but it was also comical.

I remember saying before the move that I'd work on just about anything at the new place. Except gas plumbing. That was too dangerous, and I didn't have any experience at it. The first thing to go was the hot tub's heater, on the night we moved in. I became very good at gas plumbing. I remember Gene helping me rebuild the heater literally with baling wire. It was all rusted out on the inside. After we fixed it though, it lasted for several years. We didn't replace the heater because it broke, we replaced it to get one that was more efficient.

I remember the filter for the hot tub exploding the night D went into labor. I tried to make it go for her, and I just couldn't. Eventually I went back to sleep. It seemed kind of odd to me later that I just went back to sleep. But the fact that I did *really* helped the next day.

I remember standing in the delivery room after A was born, holding her while the nurses attended to D, who was shaky and in need of help. I remember one of the nurses suddenly realizing that this new dad was holding the kid without being shown how, and rushing over to show me the right way, only to find that I was doing it right (i was the eldest of 4 boys, and mom's main helper).  I remember A trying to suckle my nose, and my nipple, while we waited for the nurses to be done with D. I remember the nurse being unable to figure out the digital scale they had there. But it had buttons, so I was able to figure it out for her.

I remember the first night in the hospital. I put up white Christmas tree lights to give soft lighting in the room, and a small boom box for gentle, soothing music. 

I remember bolting the crib to the bed, so D wouldn't have to get up to feed A. I remember learning to sleep on 6" of mattress that was left over with all three of us in the bed, after D pulled A from the crib to feed.

I remember sitting on an old wooden bench in the back yard with A in my lap, with a group of friends, only to have the bench collapse out from under me. I curled into a ball around A. She was unhurt, but I was definately bruised.

I remember carrying A across her bedroom, only to trip and fall, and beneath me was an old wooden doll crib with lots of edges and points that would have hurt her, not to mention her father falling on her. I threw her from me, she hit the door and fell to the floor, and I landed on all those edges. She was upset and scared and crying, but it was better than squished.

I remember carrying A around the block singing puff the magic dragon to her every night to put her to sleep. She got so dependent on it that at one point, D had to put A on me in a sling, wrap my long heavy woolen coat around me, button it up tight, and somehow strap an umbrella to me, so I could walk her one cold and rainy night.

I remember Christmases with the tree behind this long, multi segment wooden baby pen. With me in my santa hat, giving out the gifts to everyone, including D, A, V, and whomever else we could get to come over.

I remember painting A's room together, as a family. I remember the complete mess that really stripping all that old paint off made. I still have a set of boots that aren't good for much but dirty work because they still have gooky paint stuck to them.

I remember learning to do tantric breathing with D, and I have burned into my brain some of the most amazing moments of my life spent there. I remember breathing with her and K all three together in closed curcuit sharing of breath. Moments I will remember always.

More soon...

akienm: (Default)
Whatever the future may hold. I want the world to know a few things I appreciate about my loyal and lovely D.

First off, our marriage started with hurts to heal. She values loyalty and relationships highly, and has worked amazingly hard to try and heal and move beyond those painful times. I very much appreciate this, in no small part because I share these values.

She went with me to Britain for our honeymoon, we got to see places for her, like Shoreham (her SCA "home town"), and places for me, like Disreli's house. That was a lovely trip most of the time. (If you wanna know why I said most, ask D about the women's bathroom at the train station, the Italian owned hotel, or the police action at Stonehenge)

When we went through the two year place in our relationship in more pain, trying to learn all over again how to communicate as we dealt with the first pass through our shame. And she stayed there by my side. We learned a lot.

She stood by me when we fought for custody of my daughter V. Helped me get there, helped me with the attorney, in the court room, and afterwards, taking on parenting a girl not her own.

She forgave me for my covert relationship with C

She went with me to seek coaching for our sexual issues

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Akien MacIain

January 2017

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