akienm: (Default)
What?
Where is the boobie?
Where are you?
How am I distinct from you?
What do you taste like?
What do I want?
What do I feel?
What can I do about what I do not have?
Why did you hit me?
What would be fun?
Can we go to the movie?
What is dad gonna do to me when he sees this?
Would you dance with me?
Why can't I do that?
What is left?
What about me?
How can I pay for that?
Do you want fries with that?
Which can I afford?
You need it by when?
How can I possibly get them both done by then?
Can I see you?
What about Friday?
Can I see you again?
Can I touch this?
Sir?
Can I study electronics?
Can I buy parts for a TV?
Can I have a job?
How do I tell them?
How do I decide?
Where can we live?
What about kids?
Another?
Will it hurt?
How do I do that?
When can I get some SLEEP!
Where's the coffee!!
How do we balance the resources?
How do I get them to learn?!?!
How can we save?
When can I possibly find time to do that?
How do I get back to the road?
How much longer?
Do you want to go to Disneyland?
Can you come to the party?
Where did I put that?
When will you be home again?
How many more years until retirement?
How many more months until retirement?
How many more days until retirement?
I've got what?!
How long do I have?
When is the chemo appointment?
Who are you again?

What next?
akienm: (Default)
This is a paraphrase from The Reality Dysfunction by Peter F. Hamilton. I have taken liberties with the text in order to present this small part in a way where, even when I completely forget the book, I'll remember why I put this here...

The afternoon spent in the saddle riding round some of the groves of the manor did not put the owner in the best frame of mind for trotting out glib niceties to dandies like visiting starship captains. He marched into the house slapping dust from his riding clothes and shouting for a drink, a bath, and a decent meal.

Having this red faced martinet figure bearing down on him across the large airy entrance hall put Joshua in mind of a bouncer for a tavern in a bad part of town, only lacking the charm and good looks.

"Bit young to be skippering a starship, aren't you? Surprised the banks gave you the loan to fly one."

"I inherited the Lady Mac, and my crew made enough money in our first year of commercial flying to make the run to this planet. It's the first time we've been, and in spite of all the competition of other captains for your cargo, your family has turned somersaults to give me a full hold. What criteria would you judge my competence by?"

The owner stared at the utterly uncompromising expression of the young man who had just answered him back in his own home, and burst out laughing. "By Christ, now that's the sort of attitude we could do with more of around here. Well done Joshua, I approve. Don't give ground, and bite back every time." He put a protective arm around both his daughters. "see that you two rapscallions? That's what you've got to have to run commercial enterprises; starships or estates, it doesn't matter which. You have to be the boss man each and every time you open your mouth." And then continued to the captain, "Glad to meet you Joshua, nice to see my relatives haven't lost their touch when it comes to judging people."

The strength of both characters is something I find inspiring, and want very much to extend my own embodiment of.
akienm: (Default)
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/philip_zimbardo_prescribes_a_healthy_take_on_time.html

This is a talk about how we perceive time. Whether we tend to have our attention on the positive or the negative, and whether in the past, present or future. It's a 7 minute talk and really worth it.

The talk links to this site:

http://www.thetimeparadox.com/

Which in turn links to this quiz:

http://www.thetimeparadox.com/surveys/ztpi/

My results:



According to him, the Optimal results:



Now admittedly, my results are based on who I've observed my behaviors to be over the last 10 years... And there have been a LOT of changes in the last 2 months. I don't know how to answer from experience for *me now*.

But even so, I have some ways to go yet...
akienm: (Default)
my eyes are damp, but i'm not completely sure why
i am filled with feelings, moving too fast to even be idnetified
the loudest notes are pain and mourning
this is the boy dieing
akienm: (Default)
the boy seeks validation from without
the man must find it within 
akienm: (Default)
The Child in me
Wants the adults around me
Including my partners
To take care of me
Make sure I don't have to feel
Those things that
Discomfort me

I read the writings of another
Who said that the boy must die
So the man can be
I can see it in me
The pain the boy feels
At not having someone take care
Clearly that means
He's not worth it

The man in me
Is sad for the child
And is discomfited by the feeling
At the same time
He knows that I am the one
That must take care

I must reflect before it happens
I must think it though
I must take care
I must face it
I must feel it
I must stand alone
I must learn what I want
I must know where I'll compromise
I must stand when I will not
I must be
akienm: (Default)
This might well be one of the best quotes from TV ever...

from the BBC TV series "Coupling," written by Steven Moffat

(At a dinner party, Steve (Jack Davenport) is confronted by his girlfriend about a porn tape she found in his apartment, "Lesbian Spank Inferno." He is forced to describe the plot of this 'erotic film' as he calls it, much to the confusion and amusement of the women present. He describes the 'plot' as the story of a 'lesbian film collective' that hold a contest to see which film-maker had made the best film. Eventually, the whole thing becomes a 'spank inferno.' But that's not the point.)

Dinner Guest: How could you possibly enjoy a film like that?

Steve: Oh, because it's got naked women in it! Look, I like naked women! I'm a bloke, we're supposed to like naked women, we're born like that! We like naked women as soon as we're pulled out of one; halfway down the birth canal we're already enjoying the view! Look, it is the four pillars of the male heterosexual psyche. We like: Naked Women, Stockings, Lesbians, and Sean Connery best as James Bond, because that's what being a boy is. And if you don't like it, darling, join a film collective. Look, I want to spend the rest of my life with the woman at the end of that table there, but that does not stop me wanting to see several thousand more naked bottoms before I die, because that's what being a bloke is. When man invented fire, he didn't say "Hey, let's cook!" He said "Great! Now we can see naked bottoms in the dark!" As soon as Caxton had invented the printing press, we were using it to make pictures of, hey! Naked bottoms! We have turned the internet into an enormous international database of naked bottoms. So you see, the story of male achievement through the ages, feeble though it may have been, has been a story of our struggle to get a better look at your bottoms. Thank you, girls, I'm not sure how insulted you really ought to be.



I don't know that those would be the four pillars from my perspective... Naked Women would be #1 tho.
akienm: (Default)
From 'It's About Safety', random installment #6
Copyright 2002 by Akien MacIain, All rights reserved.

It's about your relationship with yourself. It doesn't matter how many people you are in relationship with outside yourself, if your relationship with yourself isn't in good shape, the others will suffer. If you can't validate and support yourself, you'll seek to have others validate and support you.

It's not a bad thing to seek the support of others, but if you need it because that's the only support you can get, then you're at the mercy of your circumstances.

The only person you can be absolutely sure you'll spend the rest of your conscious life with is yourself. Given that, your relationship with yourself should be your first concern. You should be your own primary partner. You should be responsible for your sense of safety and your sense of value.

Which doesn't mean that others are expendable. When you become your own primary partner, you have more capacity to give, and to receive. You can see more clearly that helping to meet your spouse's needs takes care of your relationship, which takes care of you. The long term view. Enlightened selfishness. Caring for yourself first, and treating yourself and others with all the compassion possible in whatever your circumstance is.
akienm: (Default)
Performing some updates to my web site:

In the last 6 months, I realized that even though I had taken on staying male, I hadn't taken on being male. Owning that I am masculine and that there is power in being male. Previously I had only seen the power of the feminine. It has shifted many things, mostly in subtle ways. One way in which the shift hasn't been subtle is in love making. I have learned to be male, and I have learned that being male can be a gift to my lovers. It showed up first in how I kissed, then in how I did tantric energy work, and most recently in how I engage in 'play'. By that I mean what most people call foreplay, but for it to really be powerful, you have to give up that anything else has to happen afterwards. Allow it to be only it's own thing, enjoyed for itself. I'm still learning this, but I'm having a lot of fun... And there usually is a really delightful afterwards. (Thanx MB!)

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Akien MacIain

January 2017

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