Aug. 31st, 2017

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"Well, how else would I deal with it?!" he demanded.

"If that's a serious question, then I do have a couple of observations for you..." she replied.

"Fire away."

"The first is that you love her, but her being poly makes you feel like you can't be in relationship with her."

"Yeah..." his tone was dubious.

"So let's see if I have this straight... You love her, but if only she were different, then you could love her. Is that right?"

He looked shocked. "Uh...."

"So maybe you love her, and you have feelings about her being polyamorous. Those are your feelings. They are not her fault. You knew this about her on the first date. The feelings are yours. They come from your expectations about what a relationship is supposed to look like, and how this one doesn't meet those."

"So what do I do?"

"You comfort yourself when you have feelings. You remind yourself 'Bob, these feelings are echos of the past caused by stories we don't believe in anymore'"

"What you'll get if you do that is what love she does have to give, rather than losing all the love she has to give. Work on loving yourself, Bob. You are the one person you know you're going to be stuck with for the rest of your life. Do you want to be stuck with the guy who ran from love and has to justify that to himself by being angry with the other person... Or do you want to be the guy who rewrote his habits of thought to allow for love that looked different than he expected? It's up to you."

"You also don't have to devote all your thoughts to her. Have boundaries around how much of you you share, if you need to. Being in relationship doesn't have to be a yes or no choice. Let her be who she is and decide how close you want to be to that."

"For me, doing that has allowed me to be have really fulfilling relationships, deep connections were able to form by letting them just be who they are."

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Akien MacIain

August 2017

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