akienm: (Default)
Well! What a week! First off, as you know, working out bugs in the personality module is more challenging than making changes to any other part of the unit. There are just so many interconnected pieces that often, when we think we've found something, it turns out that wasn't the problem at all, and that something else is underneath it. And that's what's happened with the I Am Not Wanted bug. While there is decidedly an I Am Not Wanted bug, the recent frequency that it's been showing up has finally been traced down to a different issue that was masking itself as I Am Not Wanted.

Yes, this week AM and EM found that the system had been fighting a long standing battle with depression. The personality module has been through numerous revisions around this, and had basically fought a lack of meaning with applying meaning to relationships. This creates stresses in the relationships, because now they have to supply all the meaning. The whole relationships-carry-all-the-meaning, combined with the trauma inflicted by K, has meant that the unit was always trying to anticipate the needs of those it was in relationship with, and to put the other at the center of the cognitive universe, rather than the self. This led to all time resources being allocated to the source of the meaning, rather than developing new meaning.

We've still working to resolve this issue, which can only be done by creating new sources of meaning for the unit. We have put in place a partial fix that draws the attention related interrupts to self and the need to create new meaning. While we will keep working on this bug, it's thought that the unit has the possibility to resolve some of the issues itself. Time will tell. This fix has already been partially tested, during a planning transaction around an upcoming social event. While the unit did suffer a crash, the unit remained more functional up to the crash point than ever before, and the crash was resolved in minutes instead of hours or days. In addition, before the complete crash, there was a "sandboxing" of the failing processes that almost avoided the crash all together. With some additional tuning, this may resolve the crash tendency all together.
akienm: (Default)
Project Manager (PM): Having the system operate in this unstable state is producing ripple effects in the social arena. We need to mitigate these, but how?

Lead Developer (LD): I believe the only way to do that is to implement the fixes in place, while the defects are being displayed.

PM: How? Maybe if I understand this part better, I can find resources that can help.

LD: Well, remember that the cognition system can be thought of as a group of "Threads Of Learning". That is to say, one or more experiences, with some kind of stored emotional content, that exert a "Steer Toward" or "Steer Away" effect on the unit in the face of specific stimuli.

PM: (nods) I'm with you so far...

LD: The fact is that some of these threads, and their resulting behaviors, were laid down over time. And while it's common in our culture to say "feelings just are, they don't have a reason", that's bullshit. Feelings, and responses, *always* come from these emotional learnings.

LD: The problem is that some of the learnings were flawed. Either because the unit misinterpreted the circumstance, or because the unit was exposed to experiences outside of it's design parameters, resulting in learnings called Trauma.

LD: But once these learnings are in place, whether they make sense or not, the unit will continue to respond as if they're true, until one of two things happens.

PM: And those are?

LD: The first is Direct Belief Challenging. This isn't easy, because the unit has to be able to identify that it's following a reactive pattern, to recognize that the reactive pattern is being detrimental rather than beneficial, to search out the source of the learning that leads to that pattern, to evaluate the past learning with the current set of tools, and then decide whether the emotional learning in the past is still relevant.

PM: Can you give me an example?

LD: OK, let's take an easy one. The unit believes it is unattractive to it's preferred preferred interface set (women).

PM: Yeah, I remember coming across that one.

LD: So the unit implemented a set of behaviors that changed it's appearance some, including a UI redesign, exercise, and so on. By itself, that didn't resolve the issue. But the unit also sought out respected opinions until such time as it could start forming it's own. Not only that it *was* attractive, but more importantly *why*. At that point, when one of the past patterns asserted itself, it was overwhelmed by an influx of contradictory evidence.

PM: So the response was still there, but overridden. Is there a way to get rid of the response?

LD: Not and keep any continuity to the Personality Module. Remember, each behavior is a result of a mix of habits and emotion based learning. The personality is a huge pile of these emotion based learnings, and many of them interact with each other.

PM: So it's a lot of complexity. It's amazing we can fix anything at all!

LD: Indeed. In addition, one of the things this means is that we can use Direct Belief Challenging to "short out" a reaction, but still have the reaction.

PM: You just lost me.

LD: So let's say... Jealousy. The unit experiences anxiety in the face of a partner, who's polyamorous, having another partner.

PM: Aren't most polyamorous folks past that?

LD: Some. By no means all.

PM: Does this unit experience jealousy?

LD: Oh yes. So the unit started out experiencing it as "My partner will leave for the other". Then, by exploring the experiences that resulted in that feeling, including loss of one partner early on to that pattern, the unit was able to directly challenge the belief.

PM: So did that resolve the jealousy, or not?

LD: It did. For a time. But it came back.

PM: So it didn't work.

LD: No, it did work. It's just that the system isn't that simple. The experience of jealousy came from more than one set of beliefs, and that challenge only defeated one of them.

PM: Ah. So you have to fix a lot of bugs via this challenge method in order to result in a lasting change of experience.

LD: Yes.

PM: You mentioned that this was one approach, what's the other?

LD: It's called Imprinting. The short of it is, rather than attacking these counterproductive patterns one at a time, we tackle them in bulk.

PM: That sounds much more effective, why aren't we just doing that now?

LD: Well, first off, the unit needs to be exposed to another unit who has the desired trait set. The unit must be in a receptive mood, and must recognize that the other has the desired trait set. The unit also needs to be exposed to the other unit on a regular basis, when the other unit is displaying the desired traits. It will then pick up the patterns in bulk, over time.

LD: The problem with this approach is there has to be another unit with the desired traits, who this unit can observe using them repeatedly.

LD: So the optimal solution is to use both approaches as time permits.

PM: Hmmm.... Yes, speeding that up is a dilemma. Well, I'll ask around and see if I can come up with anything. At least I understand the problem better!

LD: Well, with your leave, I'll get back to work now.

(as with all of my writing in my journal (see notice in profile), this material copyright (c) Akien MacIain, 2010)
akienm: (Default)
In general, work progresses well, and quickly. The support structures for self examination are operating even better than expected. That said, there is one key issue that is progressing slower than we'd like.

The main new feature, Know My Self, has, as expected, been fraught with issues. The main problem being the vast library of legacy routines that are impacted in one way or another by the new feature. The Know My Self component replaces the Who I Should Be component, which touched nearly every interaction routine. And of course, the interfaces are by necessity completely different. Who I Should Be was implemented with a shame based feedback system, rather than a rewards based one. While Who I Should Be is being removed, the results of the shame based modulators reach deep into the system.

Early in the development of the system, the feedback from parent components set down several shame based habit pathways that resulted in the unit being unable to assess it's real value in any given circumstance. This is the "I Am Not Wanted" bug that keeps showing up again and again along different behavior paths.

One particular difficult point for the functioning of the system in the past has been the intersection between the pain generated by I Am Not Wanted, and the Stoic Strength requirement in Who I Should Be, which tried to quash or ignore that pain signal. This resulted in a severe energy drain for the whole system.

That combined with the exceptionally underpowered social interface routines led to the use of the sex interface as a primary driver for social interaction, as it was the only component with enough resiliency to retry after a failure condition. While this has been improved greatly in the release of 6.0, the core underlying issue was only partially addressed. Now that we've moved into attempting to resolve I Am Not Wanted, we've found far more work ahead of us than we anticipated.

As of now, the system lacks a way to assess it's social operating value except by either eliciting a sexual response, or by the existence of a stable and deep set of social relationships. Which unfortunately, I Am Not Wanted, has interfered with generating.

At the moment, we are continuing to have the system reach out socially. At the same time, we're allowing the welling up of feelings around the I Am Not Wanted to proceed. It is hoped this will result in unresolved feelings being cleared from the cache.

Our next step is to start gathering effective metrics to measure personal and social success, and implement them as new rules for the system.

More as we know it...
(as with all of my writing in my journal (see notice in profile), this material copyright (c) Akien MacIain, 2010)

Akien 7.0

Oct. 5th, 2010 05:39 pm
akienm: (Default)
I think I've found that I miss being elegant, at least, to the extent I ever was. :)

That may have to come back in 7.0


Oct. 4th, 2010 12:33 pm
akienm: (Default)
There has been so much going on, there's been little time to write. But something has come up that I hope will force me into writing more often.

The biggest and most immediate news is that I am currently working on Akien 7.0. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, check this out.)

The feature list for 7.0 is short and simple: A version of Akien who really knows himself.

There have however been a couple of snags since I started working on this project. Really knowing yourself seems to mean really seeing your core issues. And starting to see mine with a clarity I never have before has had some unintended side effects. Like bringing up the most pain I've felt in a long time.

I have known for a long time that what turns me on most is feeling wanted. When I was a kid, we moved around a lot. Something about dad wanting a bigger and bigger house. It meant I was always the outsider. I was also physically abused by my dad, and told by my mom how ashamed of me she was whenever she was angry.

I learned to not want myself.

As an adult, I saw every break up as the inevitable result of my not being wantable. And with my ADD, my job performance was also often a difficult issue. I didn't see it as "i am a bad fit in this job" but rather "see, they don't want me either".

Without understanding about the love languages, I picked partners who didn't have touch as a primary love language, and so when there were difficult times, it came to be easy to see those difficulties as expressions of not being wantable too.

After [livejournal.com profile] grynz  left, I found out that she had lied to both myself and to D about what she'd said to the other, even about what she wanted in relationship, and what she'd "appreciated" about me. I thought this was just my due.

I had the habit of not wanting me reinforced over and over.

This last weekend, I realized that I'd learned to not want myself. And of course, the problem with that is, no amount of being wanted by my partners will ever make up for it as long as *I* don't want me.

Really feeling that, the not being wanted even by me, was hugely difficult. Feelings I'd been pushing away my entire life all rushing in at once. I felt smothered, overwhelmed, lost. But finally, I couldn't blame it on anyone else. This was about me wanting or not wanting me.

If I'm going to build a new me, with this particular "bug" fixed, I will be needing to bludgeon myself over and over with why *I* want me. Expect to see more of that here.

If any of this resonates for you, I'd love to hear about your experience.

akienm: (Default)

Release name: Akien MacIain 6.0

Release type: Major Revision
Release scope: Public

New features and bug fixes in this release:

New Feature: Prioritizing Ordinary - This component replaces the Prioritizing Special module that's been operational for the life of the product. The new module enables appreciation of simpler things in life.

New Feature: Gender Compatibility Criteria Broadened - The system is now better able to interface with more 3rd party systems because limitations have been removed on allowed interface activation criteria.

New Feature: Enhanced Social Interface Module - The system was formerly limited in the social initiation subroutines that were available to it. Specifically, the primary access pathway was via either the sexual initiation subroutine, or via the geeking subroutine. Now the system has a broad range of both public and intimate access paths, enabling a wide variety of behaviors, suited to almost any operating environment.

New Feature: Improved Exception Trapping - When the system encounters a functional error, it's able to note the error, and seek remediation. This differs from the old behavior, where unexpected exceptions could easily bring the whole system down in a catastrophic manner.

New Feature: UI Redesign - The UI has been given an appearance update.

Returned Feature: Fully Operational Internal Support Resources - These were accessible previously, but had become partially disabled by the triggering of a low level non maskable interrupt task related to the creation of special as a safety making technique. The advent of ordinary, the halting of the seeking behaviors related to special, and ongoing deployment of adequate relationship needs meeting techniques allowed the system to recover the access to these internal resources. These enable the system to operate effectively through situations which until recently would have caused a complete system crash. These new resources enable recovery from most unexpected exceptions within seconds instead of days or even weeks.

New Feature/Bug Fix: Task Monitoring - The system is now better able to observe which processes are running, even when the system is triggered by a non-maskable interrupt. The system can now kill non maskable interrupts that are triggered accidently, instead of them just running out of control and consuming CPU and memory resources until the system is exhausted.

Bug Fix: P1 Reactive Jealousy - This bug appears to have finally been completely resolved. This has plagued the system since the earliest days, and the installation of the Prioritizing Ordinary seems to have resolved the data conflicts that resulted in this reactive response.

Bug Fix: P1 Overclock mode stuck in on position - Memory access and other similar functions sometimes timeout because the CPU is overdriven, and the memory or other access is unable to complete before the function timeout is triggered. The timeout is tied to the number of CPU cycles executed after the request is made, so allowing overclocking to be disabled results in slower, but more reliable results.

Bug Fix: P1 Self Scorn - The system's efficiency was limited by the amount of CPU that had to be devoted to housekeeping tasks whenever the self scorning non maskable interrupt was triggered. This bug had to be fixed in two places, the first was removing the automatic triggering of the self scorn function, which was implanted by the parent process. The second was the deployment of the new feature for prioritizing ordinary. This enables the system to filter the triggering stimuli as not important, since it's not in support of ordinary.

Bug Fix: P2 Social Outreach Function Repaired - The system's social outreach function has been returned to a more extroverted mode from the removal of all the looping of the CPU (thanks to the other bugs fixed or features added to the system, most notably the ordinary routines and the self scorn bugs).

Bug Fix: P2 Maker Access Restored - While the maker subroutines have always been available and active when triggered by a statement that something is impossible, this fix makes those routines more generally available though access by the "enthusiasm" emotional state.

Bug Fix: P2 Avoidant Thinking Behavior - It has been noted in the past that the system will engage in avoidant behavior when confronted with something unknown, in order to "let it percolate". This behavior has now been replaced with a "do more research" subroutine. While the avoidant behavior routine was actually effective most of the time (eventually), the research behavior shows substantially quicker results.

EXPERIMENTAL FEATURE: Experiential Compersion - The system was sometimes able to operate with "Theoretical Compersion" before this release, but the results were very limited. Because of the various fixes and new features, the theoretical compersion system now works well. Added to that is a new experimental feature that allows calls to compersion routines "in the field". We are releasing 6.0 even though testing for this feature has been minimal, because this feature was not planned for this release, so is now available as a "bonus". Testing and refinement will continue.

(as with all of my writing in my journal (see notice in profile), this material copyright (c) Akien MacIain, 2010)
akienm: (Default)
What are the attributes of romantic male figures you think are important... In popular media, or even your own experiences.

akienm: (Default)
What songs do you think of as romantic and why?


Feb. 5th, 2006 05:37 pm
akienm: (Default)
I want to redefine Romance. When I look up romance and romantic in the Wikipedia, I get definitions that seem to basically mean "an unattainable ideal".

Well, that's all well and good... I have spent most of my life trying to make believe I was living in a world nicer than it is... But it's also kind of useless in a day to day sense. The only use is as an escape. Which is necessary from time to time, but isn't a healthy place to live.

Mark Michael Lewis defines romance as the model we got as kids about how things (in his case, relationships) should go. And goes on to say that we get the "in love" feeling when our relationships are going according to our map of how they should go. There's a lot of room in this defintion for the "unattainable ideal", because we pursue this ideal unconciously. In fact, if Harville Hendrix is right with his imago model, we pursue these romantic visions with people who share attributes in common with those that contributed to our emotional woundings. This leads to high probability that we won't meet our romantic vision.

At the same time as this ideal image of how relationships should go, we also have ideas about how the relationship WILL go. Equally unconcious. And if we came from abusive circumstances, these expectations about how things will go can be pretty far from this romantic ideal. And we will react to things as if these expectations are true, even if they're not. And by doing so, we will often create the circumstance we fear. Those of us with issues about our worth will believe the world is going to demonstrate that no one really wants to be in relationship with us, that sooner or later they'll come to their senses and leave us... Or like me when I was younger, basically be unable to approach anybody directly.

And most of us aren't taught anything about how to achieve these ideals. If we are taught anything about pursuing ideals, it's the consumerism ideal. That model is at least clear in our modern mythology. We can see that in people like Bill Gates.

What does this all result in? Cynisism. Clearly nothing really good is attainable. Either because the world isn't the way it's supposed to be, or because we're flawed in some way... Or both.

Who and what we're taught to be tends to be laid down early in life. When I was a kid, I was taught to be like James Stewart, Bing Crosby, Cary Grant... Maybe with a dash of Errol Flynn. I think I got that via William Shatner. Characters who were fundimentally good. Not necessarly law abiding, but good.

And I was unable to manifest that in the world while I was growing up. We moved from place to place a lot because dad had this thing about getting the bigger, better house. I was constantly the new kid. The current alpha males pushed me out because they were unconciously thwarting the competition.

So, I gave up. I lived in that cynical world of believing it couldn't be made better.

We need a model that promotes making things better. An ideal that however good or bad things are, they can be made better, and that real people can do it. Even real people who think they're flawed in some way.

So maybe we can't be the ideal we were trained to unconciously be or seek. We can be better. We can get closer to that than we are. We need to develop an approach that helps move us in that direction. A vision of making things better. A tool set that helps anyone who wants to achieve better in their lives. A belief that it can be done.

I've been just trying to get along. When we came to the coaching was the first time I felt like I had something to give and that it had value. With this new focus on attainable romance, I feel like I've landed smack in the middle of what I am supposed to do here. Figure out how to create these models, to communicate them in a way that helps people do it just because it's easier than what they've been doing.

A Sustainable And Achievable Romanic Vision Of A Better Life.

Illistrated in every medium I can.

Thoughts about how to help achieve this?
akienm: (Default)
I was watching one of the DVD extras from the TV series Monk, about that show and the producer said basically the intent was to take the Sherlock Holmes idea and set it on it's ear by giving him the OCD issues to deal with.

I thought "How can I turn the romance novel idea on it's ear?" So I decided to write from my own perspective, about what the hero is thinking and feeling during the story... and the intimate encounters.

It'll be interesting to see if I can pull that off in a way that lures female readers. I've been exploring the idea a little in IMs to sweeties... I'll be creating a viniette (sp?) on this topic and posting it to LJ soon for feedback.
akienm: (Default)
So, regarding the "Stereotypical Hero" post here:

I decided I needed to write the gal who wrote the test.

Your quiz said:

You are the Stereotypical Romance Novel Hero! What that means is, like the image of the male model Fabio, you do a lot of posturing, but generally know what you're talking about.

You need to get over yourself. No one is that buff, manly, sexually talented, and arrogant without either being on drugs or being gay.

You ought to get in touch with the rough-and-tumble side of your masculinity and stop tossing your hair.


My reply:

Fortunatly, I don't have to toss my hair much. It manages itself well. As far as talented, I give classes on relationship skills. Communication, sexuality, whatever. Sexually talented? I love performing oral sex on women for hours at a time. Or until they pass out (I'm not kidding). And I have an unusually short refractory period. Usuallly on the order of betwen 90 seconds and 10 minutes. And I snuggle after sex because I like it. Arrogant? Well, I wrote this. ;^) Gay? No, but I am polyamorous, I have a wife and 3 other regular female sweeties. We do family things together. Rough and tumble? I teach broadsword fighting at rennassance faires. Accent? Scottish.

Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

I haven't put up anything about me yet, so you can read about me here if you want:


Now I'm gonna go read about you!

But first I need to post this. He he!

Arrogant? Maybe. Amused? Yes. Take myself seriously? Never. I've learned the hard way not to do that. But amused? Indeed!
akienm: (Default)
Help me understand complaining. Help me understand what to say or do while it's going on.

There's a book (which I have not read) called "Don't be nice, be real". It's by a friend of ours. It's about speaking what's true for you. And I think it's a good idea. I think my partners should be able to talk to me about anything....

One tensie little problem. I don't want to hear people complain. I mean, I don't have a problem with making a space where they can vent, *IF THEY ASK*. Where I just repeat to myself over and over "this is just a statement of feelings, and I don't have to do anything about it".

But when, in my perception, there is a consistant complaint, and I see things they could do to resolve it but aren't, I just don't want to hear it any more.

That's not a path by which one can have intimacy with that person tho.

If I try to just listen to the complaint, it feels like a gale force wind battering me. Especially if it's expressed loudly. Even if it's not about me.

And this wonderful book is about expressing, it appears (without having yet read it) that it is about giving the person the idea that they can and should express.

I need a book for the listener. "How to be empathetic no matter what the other person says".

I want to be a good partner. I know Dawn doesn't feel like she can just share all of herself with me. That hurts me so much. But it's my own creation. Because I grew up with models where that kind of expressing was verboten. Especially when expressing to someone other than who you're upset at. And I simply do not know how to handle it.

And the most worrying bit is: My ability to deal with it is becoming less and less.

Anybody have any ideas?
akienm: (Default)
Do what you love and the money will come.

I've heard that over and over. In workshops and self help books. And I've *thought* I had found what I wanted to do. I thought that coaching was THE thing. I think in retrospect I wasn't quite right about that.

But when I look at my life, there is one consistant theme. Looking for and cultivating love. Love has made me crazy, depressed, ecstatic... I have joked that "it is just all about the sex", because that's what some people seemed to think about me. If that were true, I wouldn't have turned down sex with someone I liked in order to go just sleep with someone I loved (which I have happily done).

Sex is lovely, I have no plan or desire to give it up. But it so pales as a thing unto itself, when compared with the same thing with a beloved. With someone, either new or in an ongoing relationship, where there is the energy of acceptance, discovery, enthusiasm, play, openness, and unattachment to a specific result. Then there's no pressure. You are free to be whomever you are, and they whomever they are. It becomes a dance, a give and take. To see and be seen for who you really are, accepted, and given the gift of pleasure. Then the pleasure can be of any form, even just talking, kissing, whatever. I have one partner with whom I have called taking care of her when she was sick "making love", because it was. There was so much sense of appreciation from her that I was helping.

Coaching helps me create that for others, and I really like that. I think I will never give that up. But up to now I've thought of coaching as simply a way to make things better for the largest possible number of people. Now I see that "make things better" isn't enough for me. I want to teach people how to create that romantic ecstacy.

Dawn and I shared a moment of that this weekend, and it was an amazing and beautiful thing for me. To have her there before me, with all her walls down, I felt like a teen again, seeing my first lover naked for the very first time. I was filled with wonder, compassion, joy, awe... She is such a gift to do the scary thing of opening herself like that.

So, I want to find ways to make my living from being romantic. So far, ideas include the coaching work, writing romance novels that teach the relationship skills we've been teaching in coaching (a subversive way to make the world a better place), and maybe a workshop on wooing.

I'd like to invite you, whomever you are that's reading this, to throw me any other ideas about how I can make a living at romance.

akienm: (Default)
I am thinking of trying to write a romance. I think to do this, I should read at least a little of the genre. What would you reccomend?

akienm: (victorian)
Being romantic, doing romantic things, is the same thing to me as being a musical performer is to [livejournal.com profile] dawnd. And in discussing it with her, not being able to share music with her has been as uncomfortable for her as not being able to share romance has been for me. And it's not just sharing it, there's a certain resonance, when I can share it with someone with the same interest/talent, it's like playing with a trained musician. It inspires poetry. Fortunately, I currently have a couple of people I can play that music with.
akienm: (Default)
Reading bullets is boring. Here's what we did is boring. -- Speaking to what we can do now has a lot more life. Speaking to what goals we can now meet is even better. Speaking to new things we can do now beyond what we thought we'd be able to do is a big bonus.
akienm: (Default)
Longish... please bear with me...

In this post, the author discusses what she calls Ozark English. I find the post to be mostly just amusing, not having been to the Ozarks myself.

However it points up some very interesting things. It gives a model on communication and intention. Specifically, the model discusses 4 intentions for communication...

That it be (in no particular order):
  • Understood
  • Pleasant
  • Remembered
  • Believed

And that people from different subcultures (such as the Ozarks) will have differing prioritizations.

She also speaks obliquely to the intentions we put into listening, discussing some of the underlying assumptions and implications that the speaker of Ozark English might have when hearing some of the requests she uses as examples.

I've been thinking on this for something like a week now, and I've determined that I have, for the entierty of my concious life, put P first. Far out front first. That to the best of my ability, all my communications should be as pleasant as possible. Because if they weren't when I was a kid, at best I would get hit.

And I have seen other people not prioritize this way, and it's never made sense. If the other person doesn't find my communication pleasant, everything else I have to say will have that lack of pleasantness working against it. (Now, mind you, what is pleasant also differs by subculture, and I have tried to take that in to account too.)

I even went into test automation and relationship coaching so that the people I interact with could have a more pleasant life. To the greatest degree possible, free of drugery and difficulty.

And my story has been that if I just learned enough, became a good enough husband, then my wife would communicate with me with P as her first intention.

My wife is from the North East part of this country. In the north east, P doesn't come first. U comes first. P comes LAST. For the last 15 years, I have been struggling to create an environment where she could communicate with me in a way that is completely, 180 degrees out of phase with who she is.

I have been listening to her U??P communication all this time  trying to ignore what I found uncomfortable, because sooner or later, I'd figure out how to be a better husband.

Because my P based communication is a survival technique, trying to give it up is completely terrifying. Because it's so ingrained, I fear that, at least with respect to her, I have to put P completely last for a while, at least until I understand how to not put it first. Because right now I have no other idea how to stop putting P first.

Even more daunting, I also have to stop hearing in the same order. If I'm listening with P as the first intention, then everything she says that has U as it's first intention feels at best like I have failed and at worst like I am under attack.

I am glad to have discovered this.

I feel afraid, lost, and almost hopeless.
akienm: (Default)
The image I have in the poly community, as I hear about it anyway, is one of someone who sleeps with everyone he can. Unsaid but implied in some of the things I hear about me are that I am a user. I use people for my own pleasure and discard them. Or perhaps that I collect people as some kind of badge of success.

I hate these images.

I think they come from my trying to be charming (when I haven't been hiding from everyone because my story has been that people are dangerous). I had to work really hard to learn to be charming. I had to discover I had a talent with words and learn how to use it. I had to learn to pay attention to people.

I think we have a suspicion in our society of people who have developed those skills. Clearly the fact that I have developed them leads people to think that I don’t care about anything but getting laid.

And to make things more complicated, I am very sexually driven, and that drive is what has resulted in my learning these skills.

But that’s not what shapes my relationships. I also learned along the way that I have better sex, and more of it, by cultivating long term relationships.

I have had only one new involvement in the last 17 months. She lives far away, but I do hope to keep seeing her. Mostly, I love exploring my connection with those I’m already connected to. I want a few deep romantic connections, and lots of friends. Not lots of shallow connections and few real friends. In my life I've had 3 one night stands, and none of them were intended to be one night stands. I am not interested in sex just for sex with anyone. If I flirt with you, it’s probably because I really would like to develop a long term connection (romantic or otherwise).

I love paying attention to people. Especially people who haven’t gotten a lot of that in their lives. I love romance. I love calling people in the middle of the day just to say "I’m thinking about you". I love putting all my attention into my hands when I touch someone. I love surprising people by really striving to see them, the good and the bad, and loving the whole person.

Now, mind you, I couldn’t possibly find time for long term connection with everyone I’d like to have long term connection with... fortunately, that doesn’t seem to be an issue, of the people I’m interested in, very few have shown any interest in me... Which hasn’t been made easier by how unapproachable I’ve been in my own fear, but I am working to change that. Mostly, if you’re not involved with me, but interested in me, I don’t know it. 


Nov. 23rd, 2005 12:32 pm
akienm: (Default)
I think I just attained enlightenment.

I learned that everything in life is a gift... Because: Why not?

Why not have everything be a gift? Even the challenges? Because without them being a hardship we have to endure, by seeing everything as a gift, everything contributes to me, nothing takes away from me. Even when things in my life result in my being tired, I get to see the tiredness as a gift, an expression of my humanity, which is also a gift, because it gives me the experience of my family. My community.

What prevents this? What prevents seeing the world this way? The things our parents and the world taught us about the world... Mostly from the perspective of people who aren't seeing the world as a gift. So we have a lot of unlearning to do. And in general, we move to that unlearning through pain, cuz by design we're somewhat lazy creatures, we conserve our energy until it's time to seek food, shelter, or mating opportunities. (Or whatever else we've programmed ourselves to see as creating pleasure in either the short or long term).

I've been spending a lot of time lately examining "Blocking Beliefs" those notions about the world that get in the way of us being our happiest. I learned today that my parents (and their Christian upbringing) saw the world as something to be endured, not as a gift. I bet that one lesson, learning to see the world as a gift, would tend to extend the lifespan of every individual that learned it by some notable and measurable amount. Even if only from  the stress it relieves.

Not everyone will like me. That too is a gift because it creates differentiation, which results in better problem solving skills for the race as a whole. It certainly moves me to learn, which has moved me to be better at self examination and problem solving, which has resulted in this new perspective. A gift!

And after enlightenment, comes laundary. Back to work now...
akienm: (Default)
I want to make a difference in people's day to day lives. I want to make them easier.

I am facinated by the neuromechanics of the brain. Of how we think, how we create, and how we relate.

When I was younger, I was facinated by science. When I took the GED, I scored in the 99th percentile for science. I loved going to places like the Exploritorium. I loved playing with technical things.

And yet, I went into computers. In part because I thought science was out of reach for me. I was sooooo bored in school. I never completed algebra... How could I possibly be a scientist?

And now I spend my time studying how I think, how others think, and when I can scrape up the minutes to, reading what I can on cogantive science, neurobiology, psychology, psychopharmacoliogy...

I'd love to invent a way that we can conciously control serotonin, norepanepherine and dopamine levels in the brain. Perhaps even other systems. Think of being able to cure depression with just mental excercises!

I'd also like to take these learnings , and everything we've learned about relating, and the various "enlightenment teachings", and figure out how to use all the latest learnings on psychology and marketing to wrap them in sound bytes and make them accessable to everyone.


akienm: (Default)
Akien MacIain

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