akienm: (Default)
Where is the boobie?
Where are you?
How am I distinct from you?
What do you taste like?
What do I want?
What do I feel?
What can I do about what I do not have?
Why did you hit me?
What would be fun?
Can we go to the movie?
What is dad gonna do to me when he sees this?
Would you dance with me?
Why can't I do that?
What is left?
What about me?
How can I pay for that?
Do you want fries with that?
Which can I afford?
You need it by when?
How can I possibly get them both done by then?
Can I see you?
What about Friday?
Can I see you again?
Can I touch this?
Can I study electronics?
Can I buy parts for a TV?
Can I have a job?
How do I tell them?
How do I decide?
Where can we live?
What about kids?
Will it hurt?
How do I do that?
When can I get some SLEEP!
Where's the coffee!!
How do we balance the resources?
How do I get them to learn?!?!
How can we save?
When can I possibly find time to do that?
How do I get back to the road?
How much longer?
Do you want to go to Disneyland?
Can you come to the party?
Where did I put that?
When will you be home again?
How many more years until retirement?
How many more months until retirement?
How many more days until retirement?
I've got what?!
How long do I have?
When is the chemo appointment?
Who are you again?

What next?
akienm: (Default)
This is a paraphrase from The Reality Dysfunction by Peter F. Hamilton. I have taken liberties with the text in order to present this small part in a way where, even when I completely forget the book, I'll remember why I put this here...

The afternoon spent in the saddle riding round some of the groves of the manor did not put the owner in the best frame of mind for trotting out glib niceties to dandies like visiting starship captains. He marched into the house slapping dust from his riding clothes and shouting for a drink, a bath, and a decent meal.

Having this red faced martinet figure bearing down on him across the large airy entrance hall put Joshua in mind of a bouncer for a tavern in a bad part of town, only lacking the charm and good looks.

"Bit young to be skippering a starship, aren't you? Surprised the banks gave you the loan to fly one."

"I inherited the Lady Mac, and my crew made enough money in our first year of commercial flying to make the run to this planet. It's the first time we've been, and in spite of all the competition of other captains for your cargo, your family has turned somersaults to give me a full hold. What criteria would you judge my competence by?"

The owner stared at the utterly uncompromising expression of the young man who had just answered him back in his own home, and burst out laughing. "By Christ, now that's the sort of attitude we could do with more of around here. Well done Joshua, I approve. Don't give ground, and bite back every time." He put a protective arm around both his daughters. "see that you two rapscallions? That's what you've got to have to run commercial enterprises; starships or estates, it doesn't matter which. You have to be the boss man each and every time you open your mouth." And then continued to the captain, "Glad to meet you Joshua, nice to see my relatives haven't lost their touch when it comes to judging people."

The strength of both characters is something I find inspiring, and want very much to extend my own embodiment of.
akienm: (Default)
So... A while back D sent me this link: http://ping.fm/7mQrR

And asked me if I'd had my testosterone level checked. My story is not wholly unlike his. Tho I'd been attributing it to emotionally related stuff. The need to jettison old patterns, the rebuilding of myself after jettisoning them, that sort of thing.

However very recently I started supplementing my testosterone. Oh. My. God. All the emotional fragility *poof*! Gone. All the need to try and push myself hard in order to get anything done... *poof*! Gone! It's like a whole new me!

Since starting this I've had a couple of things happen that would have been very triggering, and... Nothing. Centeredness. I was kinda worried about angry, aggressive behavior... Nope. Things that *would* have made me angry before aren't bugging me. I feel much more patient. Less overwhelmed.

I do feel a little more assertive... But it hasn't been aggressive.

I am liking this A LOT!
akienm: (Default)
I realized today that have a story that if I/we don't spend every possible moment delighting one another, there's something wrong with the relationship. That the way to fulfillment is to create happily ever after, and the way to do that is to deeply appreciate one another in every possible moment. And that to not do those things is saying to the other that the relationship is of lesser importance.

With L, I am mostly completely sexually fulfilled. More so than I have ever been in my life. It gives me a sense of contentment that has enabled me to face the rest of the difficult things in my life.

At the same time, L does not subscribe to the rule above. She wants and needs more novelty and variety than the story above. We spend 3 weeks out of 4 growing closer and closer, and then the 4th week, she suddenly distances from me. Some of it is biological, some of it is her need for novelty... But a lot of it is not being *burdened* with the story above.

With D, I had a sense of building something bigger than us. We taught so well together, we researched well together. It gave me a sense of value to the community. I miss that.

At the same time, D does not subscribe to the rule above. She wants first and foremost to be heard, understood, and correct... There's a deep need for safety that's related to that. And when she'd get upset, her ways of expressing that upset, and her ways of hearing me resulted in me feeling unsafe.

Now that I see the rule, I also recognize that it is deeply flawed. That to spend so much time together leaves you without different experiences to bring to the relationship and to share. You become completely known to each other. And the things that seem to make a relationship work are ongoing discovery, delightful shared experiences, and reasonable harmony on executing any shared tasks.

So one of the steps to healthy differentiation seems to be to replace that rule. The point of the rule is to keep and maintain a happy, healthy relationship. It doesn't do that. But the need is still there.

How do I tell if my relationship is being successful? I don't know. Very early in my life, I thought that all you needed was love. Then I thought if they were still having sex with me, they must still want me. Then happiness became my ruler, but in more than one case, I was happy and apparently oblivious, because the other eventually was unhappy and left. Asking questions would be a second obvious answer to that, but I have experience of asking people why they were distancing, was everything ok? To be told that yes, there wasn't anything up... And then be broken up with a week later.

So far the only answer I have is: You can't know. You just have to hope you picked a better communicator than you got before, and create the most happiness you can along the way.

Got a better one?
akienm: (Default)
The other thing from the weekend was that I realized why I hadn't been writing so much. It's really a combination of things... Some of it has been just busyness...

But the rest has been that when I started this work 3 years ago, I was in a panic. Work was being particularly stressful, and I needed to gain enough ground to get really functional again. That was emotional work that was immediately and dreadfully important. Especially since I had no models for how to embrace the work as a delightful challenge. I started sprinting through all the growth work. This isn't the most effective way to go about it, but it was what I really needed at the time. However, it became habituated. I've been sprinting through everything ever since.

I am starting to slow down now. To reflect as I go. And even to take the time needed to cast the work into words. There are a lot of reasons for doing this. The first is that by casting it into words, I learn it better. The second is that I hope the work will benefit more than just myself. I hope that someone someday will read my learnings and learn them for themselves.

In trying to soak up everything I could, I've advanced, but with imperfect recollection and imprinting. I hope to put more of it here. To put the step my step learnings and thoughts here.
akienm: (Default)
In a moment of simple lucidity, without the triggers day to day life can bring, I walk through the hallways of my mind, opening doors, and inviting the ghosts of the past from their slumbers, to walk along with me.
akienm: (Default)
The lesson learned was: My behavior told me more about the true me than all my stories about who I was supposed to be.
akienm: (Default)
A couple of things came up over the weekend. One is that I used to write a lot more here. Another is what I've been writing here. What we dwell on in our past influences our future. And I've been dwelling on the pain and how it's helped me grow.

That's all well and good... But... It keeps the negatives in focus instead of the positives. So here's a learning from early on...

I had a story that I needed to do anything and everything to save my marriage. I needed to change me, I needed to find ways to help D change herself... And the funny thing there was, we always tell people in coaching not to do that! *chuckles to self*

Anyway, one of the very early things I learned was that my behavior, what I was doing, was more about the real me in the moment than all the things I was thinking. That I could think I wanted to do anything and everything to save the marriage, when what I really wanted was for she and I to stop feeling shamed by the other. I wanted to feel sexually wanted. I wanted to feel safe in expressing my feelings and not worry that everything I said might be triggering. I wanted to come home and see gladness that I had arrived.

I mostly have that now. And it's helped me grow in so many ways.
akienm: (Default)

This is a talk about how we perceive time. Whether we tend to have our attention on the positive or the negative, and whether in the past, present or future. It's a 7 minute talk and really worth it.

The talk links to this site:


Which in turn links to this quiz:


My results:

According to him, the Optimal results:

Now admittedly, my results are based on who I've observed my behaviors to be over the last 10 years... And there have been a LOT of changes in the last 2 months. I don't know how to answer from experience for *me now*.

But even so, I have some ways to go yet...
akienm: (Default)
my eyes are damp, but i'm not completely sure why
i am filled with feelings, moving too fast to even be idnetified
the loudest notes are pain and mourning
this is the boy dieing
akienm: (Default)
the boy seeks validation from without
the man must find it within 
akienm: (Default)
The Child in me
Wants the adults around me
Including my partners
To take care of me
Make sure I don't have to feel
Those things that
Discomfort me

I read the writings of another
Who said that the boy must die
So the man can be
I can see it in me
The pain the boy feels
At not having someone take care
Clearly that means
He's not worth it

The man in me
Is sad for the child
And is discomfited by the feeling
At the same time
He knows that I am the one
That must take care

I must reflect before it happens
I must think it though
I must take care
I must face it
I must feel it
I must stand alone
I must learn what I want
I must know where I'll compromise
I must stand when I will not
I must be
akienm: (Default)
I open up my mind
Seeing into the machinery

Stimulus to story
Story to feeling
Feeling to meaning
Meaning to story
Loops of anxiety

Unconscious secrets revealed
I reach in, to begin
akienm: (Default)
wisdom is the learning, usually through experience, when it is appropriate, and when it is not, to react the way you were originally taught. and that appropriateness is almost always dependent on what the goal is.
akienm: (Default)
meaning in spirit
meaning in movement
meaning in people (helping/supporting/whatever)
meaning in creation
meaning in self care
meaning in love
meaning in enmeshment
meaning in pleasure, tho the gift of giving it is the place of meaning, at least for me
meaning in beauty
meaning in planning
meaning in family
can you think of any i'm missing?
akienm: (Default)
Stumbled across this today, I love this quote!

"No one will ever love you enough to
make up for you not loving yourself."

Wise words...
akienm: (Default)
I live with intention, set goals, and persevere until I succeed. I am resilient and impressionable, independent and nurturing. I take care of myself, and then the other people in my life.
akienm: (Default)
Noodling about excitement and the sources of excitement. I am deliberately eschewing drama, and recognizing that drama is a source of excitement, and that the animal part of me seeks a certain level of excitement. Which can lead to creating drama as a path to excitement. So I've been thinking about what are good kinds of excitement, and how do I want to deliberately create that.

i guess the thing about *real* excitement is, you're not sure if it's good or not until after the fact

we will often remember times that were challenging as good in hindsight

The vertical wind tunnel was fun... I wouldn't have put the word exciting on it, not after the first 30 seconds or so anyway. Which doesn't mean it wasn't, just that maybe what I've taught myself to see as excitement may be an incomplete picture.

Interesting to noodle upon...
akienm: (Default)
I *really* like

Akien MacIain, Secret Agent Of Happiness

(the current one). But have also been considering these:

Coherence is optional


Akien MacIain
Agent Of Evil, Party Planning Division


akienm: (Default)
Akien MacIain

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