akienm: (Default)

- Describe me in one word... just one single word. Positive or negative.

- Leave your word in a comment before looking at what words others have used.

-Then copy and paste the meme to your journal to find out how people will describe you when limited to one word.

[blame this one on [livejournal.com profile] dawnd]
akienm: (Default)
Noodling about excitement and the sources of excitement. I am deliberately eschewing drama, and recognizing that drama is a source of excitement, and that the animal part of me seeks a certain level of excitement. Which can lead to creating drama as a path to excitement. So I've been thinking about what are good kinds of excitement, and how do I want to deliberately create that.

i guess the thing about *real* excitement is, you're not sure if it's good or not until after the fact

we will often remember times that were challenging as good in hindsight

The vertical wind tunnel was fun... I wouldn't have put the word exciting on it, not after the first 30 seconds or so anyway. Which doesn't mean it wasn't, just that maybe what I've taught myself to see as excitement may be an incomplete picture.

Interesting to noodle upon...


Jan. 15th, 2009 09:19 pm
akienm: (Default)
Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. Everything has it's wonders, even darkness and silence and I learn whatever state I am in, therein, to be content.

Life is either a daring adventure or nothing. Security does not exist in nature, nor do the children of men as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than exposure. I seldom think of my limitations.

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched -- they must be felt with the heart.

-Helen Keller

I seem to need a lot of wise thoughts to muse on at the moment...
akienm: (Default)
I think this had some important things to teach me about change...


If your end goal is security, and if that's all you're focusing on, what ends up happening is that you create not only more insecurity in other people, but you make yourself far more insecure. Real security is contemplating death, not pretending it doesn't exist. Not running from loss but entering grief, surrendering to sorrow. Real security is not knowing something when you don't know it. Real security is hungering for connection rather than power. It cannot be bought or arranged or made with bombs. It is deeper. It is a process. It is acute awareness that we are all utterly interdependent, and one action by one being in one tiny town has consequences everywhere. Real security is not only being able to tolerate mystery, complexity, ambiguity, but hungering for them, and only trusting a situation when they are present.

- Eve Ensler

I think I need to internalize that.
akienm: (Default)
How DARE they call me Normal?!

Your Social Dysfunction:

Being average in terms of how social you are, as well as the amount of self-esteem you have, you're pretty much normal. Good on you.

Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com

Please note that we aren't, nor do we claim to be, psychologists. This quiz is for fun and entertainment only. Try not to freak out about your results.

On time...

Oct. 20th, 2008 01:41 pm
akienm: (Default)
As an ADD kid, my sense of time doesn't seem to really be in sync with the people around me. Mostly I have NOW, then there's some Over The Last Few Days, and a little bit of The Last Two Weeks, and finally there's kinda Before That.

So if you ask me about when something happened, be ready for a vague answer.

When I started at Nimblefish, it was a job I could handle. Before I left, I'd gotten a new boss, and I just about killed myself trying to keep up with his demands, as well as dealing with all my relationship issues. Because he was so demanding, I learned to hurry a LOT.  Hurrying adds stress...

On Sunday morning, I started with a plan to make savory scones (what do you call scones with manly ingredients like meat? Scojones!) But while at the store picking up ingredients I changed my mind. I decided to make cherry scones instead.

When I got home, I found I didn't have as much time to prep breakfast as I'd thought. So I began to hurry. In the middle of hurrying, I forgot I'd switched tracks on the scones and started prepping cheese for the savory scones while at the same time making the frosting for the cherry scones (a milk and sugar glaze). As I was realizing this, the glaze boiled over.

OK *breathe* again. I am hurrying to get this done before D gets out the door, and I am hurrying so much I am screwing things up. Time to stop hurrying. Even if I can't feed her before she goes. I slowed down, gave up on the goal, and managed to complete the sweet scones (and a side of bacon) before she left. Woo hoo!

This morning I was scurrying around again trying to get out the door on time, and had this insight: I am a driven person. I can't give that up. It's one of the coping strategies for the ADD. But what I now need to do is to hurry very, very slowly.

Interesting to think about...


Oct. 18th, 2008 04:44 pm
akienm: (Default)
Geek filter: Enabled

So I work doing test automation architecture using QTP, which uses VBScript as it's main programming interface.

In May, my lead came to me and said I should take the next little while to explore refacotring the architecture, because while I built it, there were some important ways I wasn't happy with it. We're deploying that code now.

Some of the important changes in the refactored code include having developed the ability to pass in variable numbers of arguments into a function/subroutine (not supported by VBScript natively) developing true object support including inheritence and some manner of polymorphism (also not supported by VBScript), and a host of other things.

My lead was impressed enough with this that he told me I should submit it to www.advancedqtp.com.

Important aside: The company is engaged in a program to streamline how we do things which involves completely redoing all our information processing infrastructure. There were, from the point of view of those who have to implement and test it, some very poor decisions made at the executive level on this project. They originally targetted next year to roll this out, currently it's 2012 for completion (and not looking good), and the board is NOT happy. The rumor mill says that some key executes have their jobs and in at least one case their career on the line.The approach for dealing with this seems to be one of those "the beatings will continue until moral improves!" kind of thing. My grandboss is very old school insurnance company, and has just cancelled all work from home for everyone. Things are continuing to head downhill there, and that it's likely to become more and more uncomfortable there in particular after the first of the year. Time to start prepping my resume!

This Advanced QTP site apperently started as a user group kind of thing, but is now a consulting firm.

This week they rolled out an article someone else came up with which implements some basic inheritance using a preprocessor which is far more kludgy than my solution. Has no support for debugging, for instance. Mine not only supports debugging but includes streamlined object inspection for debugging. Woo hoo!

I have now contacted the Advanced QTP people, and they're very interested in seeing my code. I just sent it off, now I need to write an article and cross my fingers...
akienm: (Default)
Her: **hugs** how're you doing today
me: lol i am amused
Her: :) amused is good!
me: i just learned from my daughter that i have some double jointed toes
Her: fun! how'd she notice?
me: cuz she has ADD ;)
me: means she's distracted by EVERYTHING
Her: hahaha :)
me: even her own toes
Her: she noticed hers first?
me: yes
Her: My toes are like little fingers, I can snap them
me: i can't do that
Her: I'm so Cool :)
me: indeed!
me: but i can open child resistant pill bottles
Her: LOL
akienm: (Default)
i have an ache i do not understand
my life has been centered around another person for so long
and i have looked to them to help me have the direction needed
to actually complete whatever needed completing
i have also been so lucky
as to pick interesting people who
brought me direction, new experiences
as i finally try to take a first few steps on my own
i only now realize how much i depended on all that
more things to build all over again
akienm: (Default)
In a list I am on, somebody said they weren't likely to come to future poly events listed there because they were looking for "attractive people" like a "fit George Cloony". Well, first off, I don't. If I took the time to make and live the choices that would have me look like that, I wouldn't have the time to spend with my sweeties, to help my daughter with her homework, and to do all the other zillion things that need doing in my life.

I think this person is "partner shopping", which I don't have any problem with, but which is a rather different goal than "being in community", which i really where I'd rather be. But it did get me thinking about the nature of attractiveness. This is what I posted to the list:

I think my take on it is that attractiveness can be viewed a couple of ways. In the first, "more shallow" mode, we see people, and filter them out because they don't match something we think we're looking for. This *is* shallow in that it's limiting... When we do this (and I have done this when I was very young) we say "this is all I'm interested in"... We may also wants smarts and whatever else, but we listen or don't based on whether they look like George Cloony, are less than x years old, have black hair... or whatever. And so we don't go deeper with people who may fit better in all other ways, because we've already filtered them out.

In the other mode, we become attracted to aspects of the person. Their looks might be the starting place. I have a weakness for pale skin. I will notice every pale skinned woman in the room, as soon as I walk in. But I don't listen or not based on that. How smart a woman is is definitely a huge attractant to me. As is how they smell. How pleasant they are to talk to. What shared interests we have. Whether they gently challenge me to expand who I am as I explore who they are. Even shared history for me bears directly on attractiveness. Someone could be very plain when my eyes see them for the first time, but after knowing and loving them for a year, could be amongst the most beautiful people I know.

As always, your mileage may vary...
akienm: (Default)
I haven't posted a whole lot about my internal process for some time because I needed to get clear what was happening to me, and then once I did, there was a lot that I felt needed to be communicated to [livejournal.com profile] dawnd directly... I have seen people snipe at each other in LJ, or do other kinds of "first level processing" here, and it's created a lot of drama. I didn't wanna do that. But now that the process has started, I feel like I can share more here.

So after [livejournal.com profile] grynz abruptly left the scene, I was stuck. Every time I felt like reaching to give to someone, I got a panic response. This led to a perpetual low grade panic attack, and eventually to reevaluation of pretty much everything in my head. In the process I discovered a few things. I won't go through everything right now, mostly just the things related to The Letter you've probably heard about. If you don't know what I'm talking about, go here.

First, I discovered that there were some ways where I was consistently making certain kinds of agreements, and then trying my level best to figure out how to change them or get around them. In the process, I'd break a rule, apologize, do a lot of self shaming, try to figure out any changes i could make that might make it better, and go on trying to keep the same agreement. These were things that, after one or two tries, I just should have said "nope, I can't agree to that, we need to find another way to meet those needs". Agreeing to remain monogamous in the early parts of our marriage would be one of the things I should have said wasn't working for me.

I pride myself on owning my own stuff, but sometimes one can take it too far. Everything in my relationships that was lest than perfect was my doing and my job to fix... And that it wasn't ok to have any needs the relationship couldn't cover. I realized that this self shaming thing was very pervasive. I found some excellent CDs on reducing shame.

Once I got past the worst of the shame, I could start looking at things without becoming instantly overwhelmed. One of the things I found was the "box" from my family of origin that my relationship with [livejournal.com profile] dawnd was "supposed" to fit inside of (note that she did not ask for this, this is what I learned as a kid):

The basic box:
1) you will stay with her forever
2) she will always be your first consideration even before yourself, you will always meet all her needs, you will do whatever it takes to make her happy, you will always try to do what she wants (even if you don't think you can, and no matter how much it hurts)
3) you will always seek to make the relationship as pleasant and romantic for her as possible
4) you will include her in anything and everything if she wants to be included, do as many things together as possible
5) you will take care of her in sickness and old age
6) you will provide financially, all your money belongs to the household
7) she has veto power over both people and actions
8) you will give up anything that gets in the way of the above
9) all of the above will be reciprocated

The poly addendum:
a) you will always love her more than any other
b) you will always include her in your external relationships if she wants, especially if the external relationship is quasi primary
c) you will always be fluid bonded with her/never do anything to jeopardize that

While I had one set of relationship agreements with Dawn, this is what was hidden underneath. This is what I need to reject. Which doesn't mean I must completely reject every single point, but rather that each one now needs to be negotiated. I can no longer just reactively live in the box.

More to come...
akienm: (Default)
From 'It's About Safety', random installment #6
Copyright 2002 by Akien MacIain, All rights reserved.

It's about your relationship with yourself. It doesn't matter how many people you are in relationship with outside yourself, if your relationship with yourself isn't in good shape, the others will suffer. If you can't validate and support yourself, you'll seek to have others validate and support you.

It's not a bad thing to seek the support of others, but if you need it because that's the only support you can get, then you're at the mercy of your circumstances.

The only person you can be absolutely sure you'll spend the rest of your conscious life with is yourself. Given that, your relationship with yourself should be your first concern. You should be your own primary partner. You should be responsible for your sense of safety and your sense of value.

Which doesn't mean that others are expendable. When you become your own primary partner, you have more capacity to give, and to receive. You can see more clearly that helping to meet your spouse's needs takes care of your relationship, which takes care of you. The long term view. Enlightened selfishness. Caring for yourself first, and treating yourself and others with all the compassion possible in whatever your circumstance is.
akienm: (Default)
Yes, the party was a huge success. It was way better than I could possibly have planned, thanks entirely to the quality of the folks in attendance.

The one comment I've heard over and over was that the puja should have allowed everyone to connect with everyone else.

Given that, we're planning on just hosting a puja at some point in the future. Check out your calendars and request a date.
akienm: (Default)
Performing some updates to my web site:

In the last 6 months, I realized that even though I had taken on staying male, I hadn't taken on being male. Owning that I am masculine and that there is power in being male. Previously I had only seen the power of the feminine. It has shifted many things, mostly in subtle ways. One way in which the shift hasn't been subtle is in love making. I have learned to be male, and I have learned that being male can be a gift to my lovers. It showed up first in how I kissed, then in how I did tantric energy work, and most recently in how I engage in 'play'. By that I mean what most people call foreplay, but for it to really be powerful, you have to give up that anything else has to happen afterwards. Allow it to be only it's own thing, enjoyed for itself. I'm still learning this, but I'm having a lot of fun... And there usually is a really delightful afterwards. (Thanx MB!)
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