akienm: (Default)

It's time to drop the secret from "secret agent of happiness". There is nothing secretive about it... It's pretty darn obvious - you like it when people around you are happy & you go out of your way to make sure it is so...

Thank you for going out of your way. Thank you for being so kind, generous, caring & supportive.



Oct. 18th, 2008 04:44 pm
akienm: (Default)
Geek filter: Enabled

So I work doing test automation architecture using QTP, which uses VBScript as it's main programming interface.

In May, my lead came to me and said I should take the next little while to explore refacotring the architecture, because while I built it, there were some important ways I wasn't happy with it. We're deploying that code now.

Some of the important changes in the refactored code include having developed the ability to pass in variable numbers of arguments into a function/subroutine (not supported by VBScript natively) developing true object support including inheritence and some manner of polymorphism (also not supported by VBScript), and a host of other things.

My lead was impressed enough with this that he told me I should submit it to www.advancedqtp.com.

Important aside: The company is engaged in a program to streamline how we do things which involves completely redoing all our information processing infrastructure. There were, from the point of view of those who have to implement and test it, some very poor decisions made at the executive level on this project. They originally targetted next year to roll this out, currently it's 2012 for completion (and not looking good), and the board is NOT happy. The rumor mill says that some key executes have their jobs and in at least one case their career on the line.The approach for dealing with this seems to be one of those "the beatings will continue until moral improves!" kind of thing. My grandboss is very old school insurnance company, and has just cancelled all work from home for everyone. Things are continuing to head downhill there, and that it's likely to become more and more uncomfortable there in particular after the first of the year. Time to start prepping my resume!

This Advanced QTP site apperently started as a user group kind of thing, but is now a consulting firm.

This week they rolled out an article someone else came up with which implements some basic inheritance using a preprocessor which is far more kludgy than my solution. Has no support for debugging, for instance. Mine not only supports debugging but includes streamlined object inspection for debugging. Woo hoo!

I have now contacted the Advanced QTP people, and they're very interested in seeing my code. I just sent it off, now I need to write an article and cross my fingers...
akienm: (Default)
The image I have in the poly community, as I hear about it anyway, is one of someone who sleeps with everyone he can. Unsaid but implied in some of the things I hear about me are that I am a user. I use people for my own pleasure and discard them. Or perhaps that I collect people as some kind of badge of success.

I hate these images.

I think they come from my trying to be charming (when I haven't been hiding from everyone because my story has been that people are dangerous). I had to work really hard to learn to be charming. I had to discover I had a talent with words and learn how to use it. I had to learn to pay attention to people.

I think we have a suspicion in our society of people who have developed those skills. Clearly the fact that I have developed them leads people to think that I don’t care about anything but getting laid.

And to make things more complicated, I am very sexually driven, and that drive is what has resulted in my learning these skills.

But that’s not what shapes my relationships. I also learned along the way that I have better sex, and more of it, by cultivating long term relationships.

I have had only one new involvement in the last 17 months. She lives far away, but I do hope to keep seeing her. Mostly, I love exploring my connection with those I’m already connected to. I want a few deep romantic connections, and lots of friends. Not lots of shallow connections and few real friends. In my life I've had 3 one night stands, and none of them were intended to be one night stands. I am not interested in sex just for sex with anyone. If I flirt with you, it’s probably because I really would like to develop a long term connection (romantic or otherwise).

I love paying attention to people. Especially people who haven’t gotten a lot of that in their lives. I love romance. I love calling people in the middle of the day just to say "I’m thinking about you". I love putting all my attention into my hands when I touch someone. I love surprising people by really striving to see them, the good and the bad, and loving the whole person.

Now, mind you, I couldn’t possibly find time for long term connection with everyone I’d like to have long term connection with... fortunately, that doesn’t seem to be an issue, of the people I’m interested in, very few have shown any interest in me... Which hasn’t been made easier by how unapproachable I’ve been in my own fear, but I am working to change that. Mostly, if you’re not involved with me, but interested in me, I don’t know it. 
akienm: (Default)
I was in a hell of a state yesterday, and it was persisting into today... But a couple of things made a big change.

The first was that I had been unable to shake the upset... The other person and I worked things out, but for a couple of reasons, I wasn't able to let go of all of it. One of my oft replayed phrases from Illusions by Richard Bach was "we decide, ourselves, to hurt or not to be hurt. Us who decide, nobody else". How do I reconcile being the one who decices, with the pain I'm still in?

But today as I was coming in to work, I remembered another concept from Illusions: We're here for the learning. All the discomfort I was feeling was about my needing to learn something... So what is it? I still don't know, but when I shifted that, then the pain subsided. I know I'll find the lesson.

The second thing was this post from [profile] tenacious_snail...

I am truely gifted by my family.
akienm: (Default)
Something I'm thinking about...

Planning of social events.

(if this doesn't make sense, don't worry. This is a reminder for me)

Not Silent

Aug. 4th, 2004 04:02 pm
akienm: (Default)
I was not the victim of sexual violence. I have, in all honesty, felt oddly left out in the face of all these revelations.

But I was the victim of physical abuse. My father had a belt that he used over and over on me, and to amuch lesser extent, my siblings. In my case, it started when I was like two or something. He always had a reason.

I was reading someone else's LJ where they were talking about how their father had beaten them, and how it was just how life was. It seemed normal.

It was interesting the feelings of determination and pride that came up as I read this person's post. This is what I wrote in reply:

I'm not going to tell you how brave you are, you already know.
I'm not going to tell you how awful it was, you already know.
I'm not going to tell you how it can be better, you already know.

But I will share that your description of your father's actions was identical to what I remember. It was just normal. I assumed everyone else experienced the same thing.

And I know that pretty much the same thing happened to him when he was a kid.

But it stops here. I have not treated my kids that way, I have with great care taught my daughters that they don't deserve to be hurt. That they are strong. That they get to have their boundaries; their wants; their feelings; and yes, even their pains. They get to negotiate for what they want (Allegra came to us when she was 3 and offered to give up her binky if we'd get her a Barbie - we had sworn that we'd never get a Barbie, but in the face of such clear negotiation from a 3 year old, we couldn't not support her wish).

And if I never accomplish anything else, by that alone my life has had meaning.
akienm: (Default)
Someone wrote this in my LJ some time ago. I started writing this response and never got around to finishing it. So this gets somewhat rambly towards the end. Without further ado…

“You're an interesting, complex person, and I wish I knew you better... the interior person often seems disconnected from the worldly, confident, even brash external persona. Sometimes I wonder if seeing you from the outside equals not really knowing you at all.”

I loved this comment. (VERY LONG) )
akienm: (Default)
I love what I get from my community.

I recently posted about behavior at the Poly Pool Party, and this is some of what I got back. These are published here without permission, so the author's identities have been witheld.

For any of you who responded, thanks you so much for your loving support.

Read more... )
akienm: (Default)
Someone I love sent this to me...

"I want you to know that I've spent enough time with you to know that you are a good person who tries his best.  You are funny, cute, handsome, sweet, nurturing, hardworking, intelligent, giving, passionate, gentle, invested in growth and learning, energetic about creating the life you want, honest, loving.  You try.  You try hard, all the time.  That is the most we can ask of a loved one, that they try and do their best. "

It made me all teary.
akienm: (Default)
Stolen from half a dozen places. Posted cuz I would actually like to know what you think! Please respond.

I ________ Akien.
Akien is ________.
If I were alone in a room with Akien, I would _________.
I think Akien should _________.
Akien needs __________.
I want to ________________ Akien

And I'll add to the meme:
I would like Akien to ______________ for me.

Please answer in comments
akienm: (Default)
Yes, the party was a huge success. It was way better than I could possibly have planned, thanks entirely to the quality of the folks in attendance.

The one comment I've heard over and over was that the puja should have allowed everyone to connect with everyone else.

Given that, we're planning on just hosting a puja at some point in the future. Check out your calendars and request a date.
akienm: (Default)
So, I am realizing that I really enjoyed the erotic dancing, and that I have been snuffling around seeking positive feedback because some of my childhood wounding was around something involving dance. I want to keep doing it, but was reactively seeking permission to keep doing it.

I hereby give myself permission to keep doing erotic dance. And to perhaps study more with Francesca.

I hereby give myself permission to consider that my performance of this art will be seen as a gift by those for whom I perform.

I hereby give myself permission to believe that others will want this from me.

I was chatting with [livejournal.com profile] dawnd about this, and I made the direct request of her that she please tell me that it was one of the most beautiful things I had done. What she said to me was that it was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen. Which was way better. I cried when she said that, which got me thinking about why I had been trying to cajole others to tell me I did good.

I also cried when writing that I gave myself permission. I am responsible for my sense of safety and value. And I value that I have done the dance, and this introspection.


Jun. 1st, 2002 01:31 pm
akienm: (Default)
I'm just eaten up with curiosity to see what the folks there we here last night have to say today. I didn't really get to have a good checkin with everyone before they left. I'm so glad you all seemed to have a good time. Should Jon & I do an encore for someone else's BD? Requests?


akienm: (Default)
Akien MacIain

August 2017

202122 23242526
27282930 31  


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 07:16 am
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios